-calloused-

2007-08-14T20:24:00.000+08:00

so many things have happened and i have so much to say..

like the project madness was really mad and its finally over. it sure as hell paid off.
we Aced all the projects..haha.but it still sucks, especially the fact that i can still get a BLOODY C. heh.

its not that important though..i'ma work real hard to get to University and rock it hard.heh.

im in love. madly. i found him and would like to stay being in love with him for good.

now i can officially announce the name out loud..its EDDIE! =)

my hot angel..the one who keeps me sane and alive.

i mean it when i tell you that i wana spend forever with you baby..

I'M YOURS. it ends with you..and i'll pray for our dreams to come true..

lemme take you through the pics..

its 10th march..the first time we laid eyes on each other..

then...after waiting for 5weeks and 2days filled with a mixture of zillions of emotions, we fell in love and have never regretted ever since..=)

then, we became this..the first time we played soccer together and literally sucked.
HAHA. i love you.

AND these are the people who went through it all with me during those tormenting weeks..
thanks guys for telling me to be patient.

and here we are...the loony idiots.HAHA.
love.love.love.

i'm brimming with so much love and life now..i wouldn't want it any other way.
i am satisfied.

2007-07-22T17:05:00.000+08:00

its beennn supperrr long since i blogged. and now as im typing im in a group meeting discussing about the role play. =/

my motivation is this coming friday where i'll be meeting him and the submissions are all over.
bro's getting married!! yeay!

bleah. im bonked.

2007-05-24T22:11:00.000+08:00

confusion rids me off my sanity.
you put me in a spot that i cant get out of...
you are supposed to trust me and never question my love for you as a sister.
i am dumbfounded disappointed and ashamed at your childishness.

what am i to do to wake you up???
what am i to do to tell you that its never gona go back to how it was??
how can i wake you from your blind dream??
you've hurt me. but u're too consumed with your selfishness.

i dont know what more to say or do to make things right.

I"LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.

2007-04-24T11:43:00.000+08:00

you make me feel a thousand beautiful things and despite all the challenges we are facing or have faced. i know that it is all good cuz i am and will face it all with you.

this is the life that i have been lookin for..i've asked you this and i'll ask you again..
"where have you been?"

like you said..we've come a long way together and things ARE gona be difficult for us.
i know that we will make it through..cuz we have each other. =)

you make me feel a thousand beautiful things and for that, i thank you.
for your love and your time..your patience.
most of all..for being you.

with love. <3

2007-03-20T14:32:00.000+08:00

u told me and asked if i could ride through the complications with you..
when you get back..
and hell. there are tonnes of complications.

but i have decided to take the plunge.

we are gona face this..and i cant wait for u to get back.
heck. i miss you.

5 weeks...i cant wait to see your name on the screen as my hp beep.

i hope hope hope....u'll take the plunge with me.

cuz we all noe..everything good involves tonnes of risk.

miss you soldier. =)

2007-02-12T03:46:00.000+08:00

shouldn't life be beautiful..wonderful..meaningful..??

heh.

bollocks. what he said is true, i am a true definition of a Beautiful Disaster.
and i am amazed to why he still wana stay and stick with me till im ready regardless of the bad shitless things that i told him. damned. u got me weirded out by what u say.
im confused to why u'd want to waste ur time waiting for a girl who's already numbed?
someday we'll know.

and someday i hope u'll know how dumb it is to wait for me. cuz im just a waste of your time.
you have everything, why me?

zack knows that there's a long list of bad points to describe me.
which is also equivalent to "a waste of time"..
so come on..u can just move on and stop wasting ur time waiting for me.

cuz i was hurt by the past, and the past got me numbed.

yes..i guess i now know why you're calling me a Beautiful Disaster.
cuz i am disastrous.
maybe one day..u'll realise that i am doing u a favour.

life should be beautiful meaningful and wonderful for you..
but it doesnt have to include me in it.

i dont know what's wrong with me. i dont know why i cant be what u want me to be.
maybe im still holding on to somthing else.
i don't know..till i figure myself out,
don't waste your time..waiting in vain.

just don't waste your time doing what u do.

i do treasure having you..but not the way u want me to.

2007-02-06T15:41:00.000+08:00

i bet you've moved on.. and i dun bloody know why the hell am i still holding on.
heh.
i felt like i've met an angel. but yet im unsatisfied.

i need to know why.

2007-01-26T00:52:00.000+08:00

went thru lotsa unimaginable things..
one thing fer sure..this is my loony month.
went out with the guys till late yday..
ate at kallang's KFC..took pics cuz we loved the atmosphere..
in el's words.."very american".
HAHA.
cant load it..pics' wit el and zaini.

the song Illegal by Shakira is on repeat..
dont ask me why. check out the lyrics.
heh.

doo bee doosss....
once upon a night.
zac and i kinda got crazy..we walked outa sentosa to vivo.
took TWO bloody hours cuz of the pit stops of the u-noe-wats..
and PICTURES by u-noe-who..
i officially declare, that sentosa's beautiful at night.
CHECK TIS OUTTT..

now..i just feel that there aint enuf pics posted.
so here it is..
the latest pic of me n my darlin sis..
we were caught in the rain.! haha

APPARENTLY, this bugger sailed off again.
gona miss you..madly.

(he's on d fon wit his girl while i let Hinder 'serenade' me)

that's all for now.. hope ur fine down there.

you don't even know the meaning of "im sorry"
u said that u'll love me till you die..
as far as i know, you're still alive....

2007-01-14T23:50:00.000+08:00

rain.rain.rain.
it hardly stops.
damn my PSP for bein ver.2.81.
cant do anything i want with it.grrrr.

did my project, and all that i could come up with is merely close to nothing.
my brain is dying on me. nothing of substance have been typed. and its a whole bloody 4 hours of staring straight into the screen trying to come up wit something.
bollocks.

remind me of my future again please?
gosh.i gotta start mugging please.please.please.

saw this someone, whom i think is my cousin, mebe not.
i duno really cuz i have never since him.
i mean NEVER.
but wth, heh. he just appeared.
he is one of the most charismatic guy that i've ever come across
and i have never thought of any guy as that before.
its nothing to do with his wealth or looks or style.
its just his disposition and character that he carries with him
with each stride that got me wow-ed.
i literally was in awe at the sight of him.
but as always, i wasnt looked back in return.
so...he's just another guy that i'll admire from afar.

one thing i know for sure is that whoever..
any lady....
whom he'll choose to be his wife, will be one really lucky lady.
gawd.
he is out of my league.

the one thing i have learnt in a way so far since the beginning of 2007 is this,
1) believe in yourself that u can go through every obstacle
2) have confidence
3) be independent cuz the outcome will only be the result of ur own hardship.
4) APPRECIATE what u have, cuz nothing good comes in life twice.
5) when, u found the friend who stays with u thru everything, dun doubt them. stick with them.
6) doubting one's sincerity is an insult to that person.
7) dun be selfish, cuz life does not only revolve around YOU.

i dun understand y life can be selfish sometimes. it teaches u lessons in a crude, mean way. its like walking through a fogged walkway..where the vision is too blurry that u'll have to try hard to look and find your way, but as u rejoice, to see light, u got hit hard, crushed with each and every part of u scattered all over, cuz wat u saw was a headlight of a huge truck which rammed right thru u unexpectedly.

thats how i see life. evil. cuz at one point of time, u see hope.
hope of a better headstart. but that hope falters in a matter of seconds, crushing u.
making u hate again.
literally, hate disgusted and furious.

THAT'S y, i believe that
when all hope fails, u stop hopin.
its time to start believing.

believe that some friendship, relationship, family, outcome, is meant to be the way it is.

BOLLOCKS.BOLLOCKS.BOLLOCKS.

2007-01-11T22:31:00.000+08:00

the crazy downpour is madness. haha.
went to town and the cab queues are horrendous.

went through culinary today with utter exhaustion.
literally exhausted with the running around the kitchen.
short of this, that..bla bla bla.
but at the end of the day, i was satisfied.
cuz the Penna Cotta was delicious
and i have actually learnt how to make a wonderful dessert!

with that HEAVY BAG of mine, i walked through the rain from Orchard MRT to FORUM!
stewpid rain. now im sneezing away.

ANYHOWS,
i am so tired. of everything.
bein in a middle of something that im not sure of,
trying to work things out,
trying to make things happen,
being people's source of distraction when they are bored,
being used,
and worst, being all messed up in myself.

thank God that im finally seeing improvement in myself.
i pride myself for that.
i shall not elaborate for now.

work tomorrow and im already dreading.
lalala.

goodnite.

2007-01-10T21:54:00.000+08:00

believe it or not.
its already 2007 and its the year that i will no longer be called a TEENager.
bleh.

time flew so fast that i forgot when was the last time we actually had the simple life.
now, all that we actually talk about is
work, project, disputes, and of course, our future.
"what am i going to do after i graduate"
- its just 3more years to go (or more) to actually hold a stable job
with regular monthly income. its madness.
HAHA.

ANYWAYS, i have been on my own in school recently
i bet people have noticed but refused to question y..

so moments of solitude is the moment that u must really treasure cuz these moments are rare and they are those times that u really sit back and reflect.
and those are the times that i actually get to do something useful,
like catchin up with what i've missed in the course of being diagnosed with that stupid sickness.

i cant believe that i missed out on alot! its crazy how lost i am in school.
but this is the challenge that i am willing to take. =)

the whip cream on the ice cream of my new found solitaire experience is,
makin new acquaintainces wit the foreign students in TAS.
it may be a good short 20mins, but its a great experience.
heh.
emy has been the girl with attitude in TAS that people dun wana come close.
or cant be bothered to.
haha.perhaps it could also be because i cant be bothered myself.
wth.

gota have an early night now and get geared up as the pastry commis chef tomorrow.
haha.

By the way, this is the BEST haircut i ever had.

night.

2007-01-03T23:36:00.000+08:00

i have no single sixth idea why.
despite knowing that you've moved on..
i still miss you.

despite knowing about your past,
i still miss you.

i don't know why im still thinking about you.
trying to let you go.
when it should have been easy.

i don't know why i miss the childish talks we had.
the complaints abt how "fat" we were.

i don't know why im so dumb.
i cant fathom the reason behind this "thing"
thats going on inside me.
i don't wana name it hope.

i dont know what i know about this.

BUT i know i LOATHE premier silver cabdrivers.
cant believe i got assaulted by an effin female cabdriver.
yes elly, yes has..im still shaken. =/

2006-12-27T23:37:00.000+08:00

its been a month and so many things happened.
a ride that i don't wish to take for the second time.

endless nights of tears and regrets and hurt and realisation.
i pride myself for finally making a stand.
for finally proving to him that i can make it with or without him.
but i shamed my pride with the bruises and the tears
and the hurt that i've caused the people who loves me.
i was ashamed, embarassed and forlon and wretched.

it took me awhile to realise my true friends. to highlight those who are merely acquaintainces. it sucked to have to come to such realisation.

every night i long to dream. and live in that dream.
but i end up experiencing the same nightmare that i had days before.
i want to wake and as i tried, i suffocated.

i missed him. but wat's the point. he don't love me.
he tried to pretend nothing happened and i couldn't be bothered.
i lost trust in him. and he hurt me with those names of abuse he hurled at me.
BROKEN. im broken by my loss and by reality.

i am not sad. im not in denial. i don't want to be.

sometimes..i want him to hold me close. hear him say those words again.
but now that i realised he's ulterior motives, i breakdown.
breakdown and hate myself for always hoping. for being stupid.
i am stupid for hoping for happiness all this years.

i know this life of mine is meant to be filled with darkness and hurt and despair.
i also know that its not right to make such a statement.

this melancholic life of mine is taking its toll on me.
i dun want to see her shed another tear.
i dont want her to regret bringing me to life. i dont want her to regret bringing me up.
i dont want her to tell me that she's disappointed of her failure cuz of me.
i dont want her to.
but she did.
she shed the tears and hurt the heart and said those words.
she shed those tears and said those words cuz he proved her my failure.

i dont want to run away..
how many more years should i sacrifice to make u happy?
i've always wanted happiness too. but im sorry.
im sorry i failed you. i'm sorry that u had to go through this.
im sorry.

i was in a stage of suicidal despair.
inflicted pain upon myself for temp euphoria.
but the scars torment me. so i tried to remove it by creating new ones.
i did and did till i no longer feel what im supposed to feel.
i feel pain and disquietude.
i worry and get restless of the pain.

till i read and read to live in that other world alike mine. only worst.
but elation feels me. to know that there's someone in that other world.
going through that same martyrdom.

"i know i cant accept change, i'm too much of a traditionalist, too attached to my memories n paradoxically, attached to the fantasies about the future. That's y my present is so restless, even if it's happy: i mix the past, the future and the present as tho an exquisite sweet might emerge from the dough. A sweet that does u good cause it hurts." - The Scent of Your Breath, Melissa P.

2006-11-29T15:15:00.000+08:00

It Ends Tonight

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.
The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.

A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such distain

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.

A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

[Chorus]
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right

It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,It ends when darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right

It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Tonight, Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

2006-11-29T01:08:00.000+08:00

i see bones sticking out of my shoulders. neck bone visible too.
cant fit into my fave jeans cuz i need a belt to hold it up.

damned.

losing my bloody apetite and i dont know y.
food looks bloody good yet still cant stomach em all.

head's spinning and heart's heavy.im at the peak of life.
i just keep tellin them to bring it on. cuz i aint gona fall in this trap and succumb to failure.
i failed once and no way am i gona fail again.
i know it for sure.
this is life.i've learnt.

tho im exhausted half of the time.stomach's grumbling everytime and eyes keep wanting to shut. im not giving in and im not gona procrastinate work to tomorrow.

changing my perspective of everything.

i'll get through this and walk out smiling with heads up. =)

gona work out again tmr and be healthy. and make sure this mouth, tongue, throat starts liking what i see. and yeah, sleep early? NOT.hehe.

the dumbest thing to do is to regret and wish for things to be undone.

2006-11-28T00:42:00.000+08:00

okay..tis rocks. i wrote tis in the morning while i was alone..

the day can't get any worst..nag.nag.nag.
went to school broke and it's the first day and there's some stupid quiz that im jz gona sit blindly cuz it apparently is solely based on lecture notes (which i obviously dun have).
slept late. woke up damnedddd early still rush. still got the usual nagging throughout the ride...
this is wat he said..
"y r u so irresponsible?! i wasnt lidat...i duno how u got tis way..bla bla bla..."
(of course theres more and he said it in mother tongue.haaha. cant be bothered.)
ENDLESS series of conflicts and arguments and misunderstandings and hurt and crying.
BLEARGH.head is aching.not good.
i swear i wish i was dead.but i'll go to hell so i take that back.

yep...that was how my morning went till i take the quiz and found that it was idiot proof cuz i apparently am working at CBTL and am holding a managerial position so staff welfare and management is actually common sense to me. whoa. my brain actually is still functioning! not bad for someone who went thru meningitis and had mental breakdown with ceasures. WOOHOO!

then then..of course, despite TRYING not to meet each other, we end up meeting again and sang the whole day through.welcome to the heartbreak hotel! haha.
and kak ruz joinnneddd...damned she sang along. glad she had fun.
we are rockers who's gona sing our hearts out thru pain.haha.im crapping.

neways, the day wasnt tat bad after all...my lucky charms are within reach. how can it not be ok? haha. love u guys to bits of crap! i mean it.

now im jz drained and headache is back and my eyes are sore and tired.i wana turn in and drive thru tomorrow. f all the sorrows in this world.

*i wish i was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair*
haha.i just love the thought.so UNcool.but dope.get it?
oh nvm. my twisted brain is on.

nites y'all.

2006-11-27T11:48:00.000+08:00

What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do
________________________________________

Yeah..it is on repeat cuz i just simply love it.

and u wun be able to imagine the agony of the suay-ness of today.

LATERS!

2006-11-25T19:56:00.000+08:00

let me start with some of the things that matters..heh.
been hospitalized for fuggin 10days and everyday is filled wit tears and injections and antibiotics and docs and nurses and sick people. i HATED it.

BUT i love the ppl who came to visit like everyday..beloved family..buddies..and those i never expected to come like twice or more, (samir and his loved frens..=) and sue, syl, shi) love u guys. hehe.

and i can NEVER forget my beloved cuzzies for their support in goin thru that f-ed phase wit me.

i thank God for keepin me up and running..hehe.Peace.

the past 2weeks have been a huge rollercoaster ride fer me. from hi fever and migraines to brain infection to meningitis to taking out of my effin brain juice wic terribly hurt to cryin in tears cuz im afraid of bein paralysed.heh.

sum it all up=emy's weak.

got discharged and slogged at home then came my buddies wit our usual late nites and then amidst all tis, suddenly came loneliness and emptiness.

a friend of mine got me thinking..
wonder y we keep doin things for the good of the person we truly love just to hurt ourselves in the end?

i went thru this phase once and it sucks to have to go thru it again. mebe this is just how its gona end. there really aint no such thing as a happy ending.

not that i've stopped hoping.heh.

the one thing that im constantly worried abt is school. im nowhere near passing anything.
been sooooo far behind lessons and i duno wat to do to catch up.
wat shud i do???

i need motivation cuz im so bleargh now.

i wake up evry mornin feelin hopeless and dead. im a walkin morbid whose life revolve around hope, entirely. i HOPE i can pass, i HOPE i can be happy, i HOPE i can have a life, i HOPE i can make it, i HOPE hope hope hope..

after all the things said and done..i wonder,
wat is it that i've ranted out?? and do u get my point or wat im feelin rite now?

thought so.

2006-11-07T00:50:00.000+08:00

(Verse 1)
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah in ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

(Verse 2)
I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight

You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

(Chorus)
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

bleh.
presenting the current song on my mp3.on repeat.
hate me today....yada...

2006-11-07T00:31:00.000+08:00

there he goes..out my sight again.
silent and far from my heart again.
there he goes.

Bollocks.

double bollocks.

on emo mode AGAIN. BLEAH.

hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.

and it goes on and on and on till someone actually gives a shite.

oh shut up.

BOLLOCKS!!!!

2006-11-06T01:03:00.000+08:00

was lost and confused..didnt think i know myself till i met him.
and then it all changed into something that simply hurt.

i was on my usual breakdown wer everything became useless and painful and i got so lost. and he weren't there. i know he aint no mind reader for shites. no one is.
maybe i expect too much. but its not like i didnt try to explain.

i brokedown in remorse and in fear of being alone.
i was literally alone and needed him there. but he couldnt be there.
and its not like he tried. where are we heading to now and what happened to all those promises we made?

is it true what they say? that being in love and trusting someone will just cause u pain in the end?

i don't know.

im still at the state wer i was 2days ago..
wer everything dun seem rite. like im dumped in a pool of thick black tar that's starting to suffocate me..killing me softly..slowly inside..clinging on to the littlest of hope.
im not over-reacting.trust me.

i've tried to keep a strong front..but it's takin it's toll on me.
i have to pull myself out of this. i duno how.but i know i should try.

thanks to my beloved buddies who's been keepin me company till late nites..
i love you guys. for being aound.

and yeah has..we are so gona cut our hair that short and look like twins.
hehe..except that im gona get the lil green hilite..hmmmm.

2006-09-04T01:33:00.000+08:00

I know i havent been updating and yes this blog has been "dead" lately but i am back and with more stuffs to tell..BUT that will be in the next entries when i feel like sharing them.HEH. for now..there's one thing that i wana share wit all...everyone.

the guy in this life of mine...is the light that's been shining constantly despite the storm and the rain..and i dedicate this song to him..

the translation for the title of the song is "made for me"..
its about how his smile makes me speechless to the realisation of the beauty of love..with so many things unsaid..i just want him to always be around and keep me company wherever i go..cuz i just know that he's made for me.
and i want you to always know..that i'll be yours..for as long as this love take us. =)

Tercipta Untukku
__________________

menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku
mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

banyak kata
yang tak mampu kuungkapkan
kepada dirimu

reff:aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
sepanjang hidupku

aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil seluruh ragakuku ingin kau tauku
slalu milikmu
yang mencintaimu
sepanjang hidupku

audio:ungu - tercipta untukku.mp3
by hymenocallis

Thank you for bein my Angel..and most of all for believing in me and loving me..
and i love you too.. =)

This.is.Us

2006-07-25T00:11:00.000+08:00

Good Enough
___________________________
It seems the more we talk
The less I have to say
Let's put our differences aside
I wanted to make you proud

But I just got in your way
I found a place where I can hide
Now everything is changing
But I still feel the same

We're running out of time
What do I have to do
To try to make you see
That this is who I am
And its all that I can be

I tried to find myself
Looking inside your eyes
You were all that I was meant to be
There must be something else

Behind all the lies
That you have lead me to believe
Now everyone is saying
That I should find a way
To leave it all behind

What do I have to do
To try to make you see
That this is who I am
And its all that I can be

What do I have to do
To try to make you see
Trying to be like you isn't good enough for me
I wont let you go
I wont let you down
I wont give you up don't you give up on me now

What do I have to do
To try to make you see
That this is who I am
And its all that I can be

What do I have to do
To try to make you see
Trying to be like you isn't good enough for me
What do I have to do
To try to make you
_______________________________________

Thanks Has a.k.a jimmy for this beautiful song.

Living in this life filled with the many unwanteds and hurts that are just madness in heartache and pain that u just resort to self-mutilation to smile that pain away in random tears of euphoria as u reach ur own high as u see the drips of blood just dripping, comforting you, assuring you that u are still human. just letting the pain overcome ur heartache cuz u noe tat physical hurt is nothing compared to that of disappoinment and heartache.
and the tears are just merely salted teardrops that'll evaporate and blood is just blood that'll dry and that high u get is temporary..but that scar will remain.and with the sight of that scar, i long to be reminded of this day- the day that u did it all again. that u tormented and messed with the thoughts in my head.the day u brought me down.the day i long to no longer live.

with this, i get so lost that i cant find myself- right back from where i started..swimming around in circles,and now,
i just really duno wat's left for me to do to try and make you see...

2006-07-02T03:28:00.000+08:00

In so much darkness comes the light. In the beginning distance of the dark and lonely tunnel comes the end and company. and in the ever-changing world of make believe comes reality.

I don't believe in miracle and neither did i believe in coincidences in the matters of the heart..but you happened and all these strange things happen.
makin me re-think my decision..givin me many reasons to smile again..

I dunno wat this is or what its gona be..but u amaze me in more ways than one..and tickle me each time the handphone beeps or "hello world" comes ringing. stil amazed at the "reflection" infront of me wen im standing infront of you or wen we "wave hands" each time we realise we are each other's mirror image.HAHA. fascinatingly insane..thats what i think of you and me.
Never have i seen this comin..or see this happening at all.
but it's happened and u are now my clown, my happy pill and my light.
and im thankful for ur presence each time i wake up.

i'll always be here for you...not only to hear u laugh and see u flash that sweet smile with those "gurlish" bashful eyes..
but to hear you whine..nag like DAD..and perhaps breakdown like a whimp.
I want to be here. *smiles*
[i hope this is not gona be temporary cuz everything in my life is just not meant to stay long with me]

Can't Take My Eyes Off You - Lauryn Hill
_____________________________________

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.
You'd be like heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.

At long last love has arrived.
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.

Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak.

But if you feel like I feel.
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.

[Chorus 1]
I need you baby, and if it's quite all right,
I need you baby to warm a lonely night.
I love you baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh pretty baby, don't bring me down I pray.
Oh pretty baby, now that I found you, stay.
And let me love you, oh baby let me love you, oh baby....

Repeat Chorus 1 [To fade]
I need you baby, and if it's quite all right,
I need you baby to warm a lonely night.
I love you baby. Trust in me when I say:
Oh pretty baby, don't bring me down I pray.
Oh pretty baby, now that I found you, stay.
And let me love you, oh baby let me love you, oh baby....
________________________________________

laugh at this...haha

[ i look so tensed ]

and another retarded lookin pic..HAHA

AND..this is my "happy pill"..HAHA

THIS is our fave on-screen couple

2006-06-23T01:38:00.000+08:00

hafta go sentosa tmrrrr!!! for some toopid observation form thingy.
and worst i'll hafta do it at 5pm. the time wen i shud be out and having fun or lazing at home.BOLLOCKS.

ANYWAYS,there is always that one moment in ur life that u feel really low and alone and that it seems like the world's four walls are crashing down on u and as it crashes u see light and a glimpse of hope like u can still survive the crashes of these four walls. like u can still walk out of this mess alive whether u like it or not..and this light did not only give u hope but it enlightens u all at once makin u realise ur worth. that u should be alive and be livin this life..
bcuz "u're worth it". HAHA.

well yeah..if u ppl have been followin my entries im certain that my breaking down is nothing new and that there are worst moments in my life thats too bitter to even reflect upon. well.i had that mental breakdown again. cuz i've been feelin lonely and rejected by my loved ones.
he apparently shone tat lite wen i was at my lowest and just listened without judgement n up till now im happy for tat.

I cn never thank u enuff. and of course..HE is the famous JediKnight who apparently TAGGED on my blog.haha.

anyways..the JediKnight's goin to leave for KL tmr and since he's actively readin tis humble blog of mine..im gona do tis dedication.HAHA.

his 2nd fave band for y'all to view, appreciate and love em like he does.
Have fun Jedi Master! LOL.

[tip:stop the page to turn off my song and click on pause to let the whole vid load fully to avoid the hiccup which will OBVIOUSLY destroy the song]
ENJOY! =)

2006-06-22T02:08:00.000+08:00

went out after soo long today wit my youngest and my one and only sisters..
went starbucks hopping and damned it was a BLAST. but hell..i went back to campus earlier and realised the amount of workload i have. bollocks.

Look at the pics and u'll be able to fathom y we had fun.HAHA.

Thats my sis' ugly slippers and my fave sneaks!! hehe..
and oh yeah..my ezlink dropped and it bcame an ART.
creative arent we not? (nahhhh...hahhah)

Candid pic of one and only and i while waiting for the bus

Demented and Acting adorable (wic is not at all tat hard) =p

we just wont stop...HAHA

LASTLYY..the finale! it is the TRUE candid pic..and this is how we really look like outside.
HAHA!friggin ugly...really.*bashing*

With so many good times like tis...i keep wondering.
Why do i let hurt and depression get in the way in tiny moments of sadness.

Like so wat if my frens abandoned me or if they are always wit theirs lovers or if im not "COOLLL ENUFF" for them to chillout with. Or even wen i choose to be alone..really why should i bother by straining my muscles by gettin hurt?
of course the pang of heartache and feelin of rejection resided conveniently on my chest and mind..bt i managed to brush it rite away..

cuz i KNOW that the ppl who will ultimately be by my side thru good and bad times are gona be family and they are the ones who are gona love me unconditionally.

SO y do some let such an artificial relationship hurt family? or abandon family for such an undeserving commitment.

in acceptance of one's whole in weakness and strength and family in happiness and sadness is true commitment to me.
so am i wrong to not want to be in love if he's not able to commit?

i take back the fact that i need no man in my life. i know marriage is a gift, a sacred union that i wud love to experience. and YES im tooo freakin young.

SO im not thinking abt it...and im not thinking abt commitment just yet til someone proves me wrong..and till then..im gona be happy tis way living this life like there's no tomorrow and makin the most of it.
all the MEN in the world can do whatever they want and i'll try to NOT giv a damn.HEH.

GoodNite!

and yeah im hopin for NEDERLANDS to win tis match.

woop! sleep well y'all!

2006-06-16T03:15:00.000+08:00

Monogamy VS. Infidelity

Infidelity-Unfaithfulness to a sexual partner, especially a spouse.

i wonder why do most people actually get married just to end up falling for another. there are so many affairs everywhere..so many daunted women fretting over their husbands or just accepting it trying to keep all those hurt bottled inside them cuz they dun want a broken family.

why torture the person whose been loyal..unfailingly faithful..whose gone thru so much with you? why over someone whom u've just come to know?
some mite say that sometimes..
they just want a side dish..wat side dish?!

marriage is not a contract..but a bond thats not meant to be broken intentionally. u may think that im too young to understand tis..but after all the shite i've seen..trust me i have more than fathomed this bull. its useless and worst than suicide. may not be to you..but the other half who chose to spend the rest of their life with you. they may want to regret..but regretting wun change the situation.

so wat's with infedility? what's with the side dish wen u noe that at the end of the day..ur wife is all that u'll ever really love. is it really worth it?
can the gifts..the attention..the time spent with the other overcome the sacrifices..the bond and the family that u've built???

monogamy..?? i gez i wun bother even talkin abt it cuz its starting to mean shit to me.

it's official. i don't need a man in my life.

2006-06-13T02:11:00.000+08:00

been super busy..and i dun wana bother blogging why.

noww...its time to hit the all-time high cuz im lovin my school, my class my lecture theatre, my family, my frrreeedomm and best of all.....my LIFE.muahaha.free as a bird and whatever nots. projects are all catchin up on me..and im the freakin leader AGAIN for 3Sems in a row! bllooodddyyy bollocks.! but i will survive.i know i will.hehe.

ANYWAYS, people asked me why have i been quiet. weellll...lets just put it in a way such that i lost my MOST convenient means of communication AGAIN and i am currently usin prepaid till nex week.yepp~~

There's nothing new lately tho..
yes..im still single..no..im not lookin..yes..im still stressed wit school and yeahhh im still bloody broke.HAHA.
its just that i've been missin my chillout buddies..CUZ every end of the day aft sch i'll either meet my sis, walk around alone and grab coffee or head straight home..miss all the hangout sessions at starbucks and pool-ing sessions.argh.HEH.

BUT im lovin sentosa..altho i hate the journey there..hehe..i feel like im gaining more knowledge at TAS as compared to TP. duno y..mabe its the environment.
wells...its all good. every pros has its cons.haha. gona be deployed to Sentosa Leisure Group every friday wen sch re-opens starting from 0830-1600. ARGH. and i dun even noe wat are we gona do...with the eekkky uniform in which i dun wana bother describing.HAHA.just imagine..super high black pants with t-shirt TUCKED-in.

owelz.'nuff wit school..and there's nothg interesting abt my life either..just that i had to remove my hijab cuz of sch serving liquour and stuff so bad hair day almost everyday..HAHA.i had to go fer the messed up hair-do look wic seem to gain me lotsa compliment..HAHA.i gez it's cuz its new to em..lols.
check me outt...

tats wit my hair tied back. and yeahhh...i looked horrible so dun start taggin.HAHA.but check out the background..aint it GREEN? hehe..taken at Sentosa of course...
hm.alritey...

NITEZ y'all!

2006-05-16T01:17:00.000+08:00

there's no life in not takin chances.
no life in always giving in and no life in being afraid.
im out to take on a chance, stand fer wat i believe in and not give a damn about wat the world is bound to think of me.
I am a girl and i am a mess. but who cares. this is my life im livin. my sins, my belief and my right to live life as i please. no one's gona tell me what to do and trust me i have yet to be affected by anyone.
so bring it on!

through with the messes that a heart can cause..gona mess with my wits and brain cells now...hehe..

night y'all!!
hope y'all enjoy this song as much as i do..

2006-05-03T21:42:00.000+08:00

IF i had a chance...

i wouldn't have let you out of my sight despite the circumstances...

now, as i reminisce the times we had and look on the gap that's getting wider and wider i feel remorsed by my sheer stupidity to run away from the matter at hand. run away from you. and hop on an ego trip that gets me no where but farther from you.
damn.
i cant spend a day without speaking of you cuz we were so similar and yet so different..looking back on the many co-incidences and times spent..making each experiences the best times in my life.
you made me a better person. and i threw it all away. thoughts of you..are daunting me. to lose the one greatful friend i've ever had.
if i could turn back time..i would go back to the time when we were always with each other..but its like hoping for the snow to fall when the humidity is catchin up on me..draining me off my strength.
perhaps, this should never be made right.

as always...the phrase that kept us goin from all the shites last time now HAD to be applied to me....
"things happen for a reason"
although its obvious that i am the cause of this distance between us..

IF ONLY.................
i would be right there with you laughing my sorrows away...

i know u won't mind..but we both know..it aint gona be the same...

2006-04-30T23:19:00.001+08:00

i've replaced my hp and sim card..so y'all can contact me as per normal yea..
my mum and dad bought me a replica. they suprised me wit it wen i reached home. haha..sweet~~. *hugz*

on that very day i went to the FHA convention and made lotsa frens along the way. spotted lotsa HOT chefs of other nationalities too.HAHAHA.
its total madness and extremely exhausting..cuz the convention is like HUGE! haha...really glad i got the opportunity to go there.
AFTER which i met One and Only and had dinner and walked around wit her till late that mum had to call us to ask if we're on our way home.hehehe..

superb!

hmmmm....its gona be a real busy month come May. too many things comin up and classes till 6pm..i doubt i'll have time fer myself.but this is wat i've been anticipating for.so whhhheeeee!! hehhe...

as for now, i can clearly and officially announce that im leadin a monotonous boring life...wit no passion for neting else bt sch and family and EHEM..
HAHA.
it's all good.REALLY.
BECAUSE im gona love my life in TAS...
so tis is worth it for the fun im gona get wen sch officially starts wit deployments and projects.hehhehe =P

ANYWAYS,
watched a movie just nw..and it stated..
"there are too much beauty in the world that i cant breathe it all in,
so i choose to take it all in one at a time and embrace it.. makin full use of my already shitty life. if u duno wat im talkin abt..u'll know it soon."

hehe...cheers!

2006-04-26T20:01:00.000+08:00

i have an announcement to make!

i lost my FREAKIN HANDPHONE AGAIN!
and sooo...im terribly sorry for the inconvenience caused 4 trying to reach me...
i'll try gettin a hp ASAP. i duno how...but yeah..i'll try! heh.

the first of day sch was fine...but it all sucked come today cuz i really hate the service skills lecturer who's so damn irresponsible! she made us wait for her for 30mins n wen we found her in the tutorial rm she "innocently" said that she made the announcement yday that LECTURE WAS CANCELLED! WTH. i woke up @ 6a.m. for nothing! guess she's just trying to point out tt the WHOLE lecture group is handicap.bleahhhh....

then..adding salt to the friggin wound..
there was the damn fire drill. twas so humid but im not complaining...im just gona complain abt my wasted trip to SENTOSA!!
because aft the fire drill the classes will only resume at 11am.
in which, referring to my timetable...is the END of my last lecture.ARGH.

and then.....went to TP to meet Mdm Aishah to discuss abt the Board of Governors lecture. BUT she was late, and i had to leave cuz i wasn't feeling well..SO that makes another wasted trip. i spent BUSTING 6BUCKS on transport fare today! for absolutely nothing. BOLLOCKS!

to sum it all off....i reached home to find my HP missing.and the hp is in the pouch and in the pouch together wit the HP..was my TAS ADMISSION PASS.
idiotic.now i have to pay for entrance!
its just EXTREMELY idiotic that i just cant be bothered to fret over it anymore.HEH.

BUT HOWEVER the bust on it was tt before this dreadful day..
there was this dreadful realisation that i was just another person in his life..
HE who's as uncertain as always about the role i was supposed to take in his life. and came up wit me being a special friend.
so he's the one wit "the special friend" wit another "special person" that he "DUNNO" who she is to him..
NOT knowing that i found out that he called her his GF..
lemme quote briefly on tis...
"went to buy a watch wit GF yday and goin to the doc today then to GF's crib"
there you goo...now u noe how i noe and wat i read.

not gona let myself jump into this dunk.had enough.
dun worry..we are cool. im just hurt
and this is nothing new...im numbed by it already.
i just wonder y do u ppl always do tis?? is it really so hard to just be honest? does it hurt any more than this? any more than hurting me having to find tis out? from you after all tat's happened??

BLEEARRRHHHHHHHHH

THANKFULLY the musical RENT made my night..
read this lyric from one of their songs...

"there's only us..there's only this.forget regret or life is yours to miss.no other road..no other way..no day but today"

this keeps me goin..cuz its true..dun u think??
keep it with you...
cuz there's only this and the people who loves u for who u are..do not regret. cuz if u do..u're bound to miss this ONE life.treasure it. embrace it. cuz there's no day but today.
*smiles*

2006-04-20T02:02:00.000+08:00

he was an angel filled wit innocence. he's how u define gorgeous.
wit a masculine scent and deep mysterious set of eyes.
he walked pass me as the scent swept me across, igniting all my senses taking me to a new high.
i knew he was the one. i wanted to chase after him as he sped pass me but i halted as he stopped and fixed his gaze on me.
now....
i can stare into his eyes without having to hide or seek permission.
unfortunately his eyes was filled wit tears. i lst that sugar rush.
cuz i was consumed with questions of curiosity.

i allwed myself to look deeper into those eyes.

through the tears in sadness, i saw happiness. innocence..
filling him wit such honesty and sincerity.
i saw liberation and above all..
i saw l o v e.
a glimpse of hope flushed right through me and he broke that gaze wit a nod.
i understood wat it meant and with that look and that nod i found my answer to all my questions.

he then walked away..quickening his pace. i wanted to just stop him and tell him to stay. reassuring him that he is safe with me. that i'l love him with all my heart and treasure him and be with him till death do us part.
but how can i be so sure that my telling him all this will make him realise the truth of this words..the sincerity of this heart and the burning passion of this undying love that has just been found.?
i've loved and lost.
i dun wana have to go through that again.

i understood our unspoken language..
the look..the gaze..the sugar rush and the invisible connection

so i decided to sit and wait for him to return and walk my way again
without a tear in his eyes..but a sudden wave of delight..
wit a smile across his face. with a sigh of relief.
that i'm still here..
that i understood.

that i love him too.

2006-04-14T18:20:00.000+08:00

been finding it really hard to breathe lately..
feel like there's this huge weight on my chest and then my head will be spinning simultaneously..not forgetting the stupid tummy ache that i keep gettin late at night. insanity. total insanity.

each time my head spins..i'll shut my eyes and try to not think about the pain..
i'll feel slightly better BUT then..it'll come again as i open them..
this time around..headache and chest pain at once.TSK.
this is literally the time that i really wish that i can just close my eyes forever so that i wun hafta feel tis horrid pain.it really stinks wen it hurts to breathe.
i wonder wats goin on. but heck. perhaps it's normal.
maybe im just stressed over nothing.
but it's been goin onnnn..and i realy madly want this to stop.
is there a possible treatment or diagnostic medication fer this stewpid thing?

ANYWAYS
i miss Dani..
and i wana complain this to him and tell him how it hurts..talk to him and listen to his soothing, caring voice that'll always make me smile and laugh.

i havent been sleepin right neither have i been thinking straight and it's really insanely strange cuz i have never experienced this before.
im sure he's havin his fun in KL..doin the show that he's been anticipating for and stuff and i'm really glad he is..
i just wished somehow he'd call to ask how i am.
then again i obviously remembered...
why in the blue world would he wana do that?
haha. TSK2.

in this moment in time i feel lonely.
wish to be able to be wit someone..so that i dun hafta keep thinking about this sickening pain. anyone..

ANYONE? ANYBODY? ha.ha.
argh.nvm.
______________________________________

btw, this malay song IRIS(Ai-Ris) by Awie is superbly sweet and nice..
u guys should check it out if ur on emo mode..
cuz it's really thoughtful and touching and erm. nice. HAHA
and yeah..
Right Here Waiting by Staind also thoughtful.
i love the song..hehe

if u're a guy..give this song to d girl u really love..it'll melt her.
thanks to my One and Only fer tellin me abt this 2 songs..
*smilez*
and YES..i do wish this song could be dedicated to me by someone.
but WTH. haha.
i'm luffin as an image flashed from the back of my head.
the face that'll never fail to make me smile.hehe.

PS: im startled by how fast my mood can actually change..hehe.
letting out ur THOUGHTS really does make one feel better huh?
hahaha.

Lord Bless.

2006-04-08T23:07:00.000+08:00

this song rocks!! hahaha!! sooo...real. hm.

got the uniforms this mornin and it was really a mess havin to settle the stuffs.
never had so many knives before in a bag too! haha. COOLNESS.

im goin to SENTOSA baby!! woohooooo!!!!! HEHE.
FIRST, i gota do shoppin fer clothes. oh no.
need lotsa long sleeves and shirts and a new suit!
TSK.
SO. i've decided...to GET A JOB.
im gona be dead busy doin lotsa stuffs wit so many other commitments.
but who cares?! i don't. im soooo sick of bein too free that i feel like i need to be stressed and stretched so, YEAH im asking for it.*winkz*
i wana have sleepless nites and overdose on caffeine and complain to ppl how tired i am...HEHEHEE...

Erwin is leaving..this monday. goodness im gona miss him like really2 miss him. still feelin super guilty fer snapping at him two nights ago. hmm...but we are cool~~. in HIS terms that is.hehe.
_______________________________________________

i hate depression and i just simply loathe the word depressed or sad or hurt or pain or hollow or empty or solitude. these words belongs to one category..
cynical.
cuz ur crazy if u get all this feelins all at once. and u'll be more than insanely demented to let it happen to you. cuz i realised one thing. when u get all those feelins..ur just gona be dumbed and pissed and even more depressed than depressed. and all the bad things that happens to u will be seen and the good things forsaken.

can't you see how sickening it is to let it happen?
i faced it and i saw.and the last thing i want is for that to happen again. i dun wana go thru that phase cuz i've hurt the people who care for me. im not gona guarantee that there won't be any sequel to the breakdown. BUT im gona try to avoid it.facing my problems just like everyone else. dealing it wit clear conscience and as rational, as simple wit the least emotions..TRYING as far as i can go to avoid this.

im so SICK of being complicated.i want the simple life. where everything is so clear-cut and happiness is so bright, picture perfect and long-term.
i wana get off this ever twisting rollercoaster ride and hop on to another one. where the turns are visible and aniticipated. im through wit abrupt twists and turns. im exhausted but im gona face this. cuz no matter how tough life is for me.
it's tougher for others out there. NO DOUBT.

there's so many things out there that's within reach..but as i read back..all these things that i long for in life are beyond grasp. i cant even smell this. HAHA.
and to think that i want to have a simple life..?
HMMMMM.....................hahahahahahahahhaha

2006-04-05T21:21:00.000+08:00

we're all wrong..it's fathomable.

we always want something that we cant have..and then we thought that the thing we cant have is what we are meant to have only that we are not trying hard enough to have it.
With this, we go all out tryin to get it. only to realise that it's not what we want.

we only wanted perfection then..but we are not perfect ourselves arent we? so..we wanted something that SEEMS to be perfect to make us perfect.
BUT ultimately, wat we really wanted was something that makes us comfortable, that enables us to be ourselves.right?

am i confusing u yet? hmm..

im just danked cuz wat i really wanted has been right infront of me and i overlooked it due to ignorance.

the bottom-line is..
i have it all figured out..
but..is it too late??

HEH.im just happy though that things DO happen for a reason..
*smilez*

Lord Bless

2006-04-02T00:41:00.000+08:00

im not a menace and i dun seek for anything other than understanding.
stop tryina be an angel re-assuring me that u wana be friends and that u wana know me better.bleah.

im the owner of a hollow soul and an empty heart that so happen to still exist and beat in its death-morbid soul. if i could have a choice to end it..i would have, just like before. despite tryin alota ways, im still alive wit scars that just makes me feel worst. maybe i didnt really wana die..i just prefer physical pain in contrary to the mental and emotional pain that im goin thru..so i found an alternative...in which clearly doesnt work. with that, i seeked solace in learning more of Him..so i found serenity in religion. i was at peace wit myself and i came to life.awhile.

then i frail away from this serenity when i choked again. i stumbled and i fell. i was in solitude and i lost myself and i get traumatized by the daunting past. i am lost and i duno what else to do.so i caged myself in this place.my home. feelin more miserable then ever.
they call this a cause for my own destruction.

u cant define me cuz i joke behind hurt. u duno wat im feelin cuz i hardly display any negative emotion..i'll befriend u no matter how much u've hurt me. im not a hypocrite..neither am i a paradox of what's on my mind..im just afraid i guess. afraid of losin someone who's startin to matter..

i drink coffee over tea and i rarely take a stroll in the park. people expect me to be fit well im not. i read a book and i never really fathom evry line..i dun talk much about wat's botherin me except the unevitable obvious. a klutz in every unforseen embarassing moment, never being cautious of consequences..a fickle-minded selfless freak.. who tries to be indifferent wen people hurt her...only to cry alone at nite till she fall asleep and wake up wit a pair of swollen eyes.always longing for something out of reach and frequently fallin into the ditch of heartless pain and sorrow.

stop tryina tell me that it's gona be okay cuz i already noe it will be okay.ONE DAY. and YET so many days have passed. heh. dun waste ur time tryin to make things rite. because im just bound to exhaust u.
just be a friend.
a dear one at that. really wanting to know me better and make me happy. cuz i'll give u that chance.

this is me.and now u know..
SO after all this. tell me. are u really gona make me ur friend? go ahead..befriend me and tell me to keep it a secret cuz MAYBE ur ashamed..i'll accept it and look at it on the bright side and HOPE for a better reason.
haha! ;)

i wana know someone who's honest and sincere..who wun hurt me like the rest. one who really cares with no strings attached. one who'll accept me as i am with no additional criteria. one who with the same interest..who tells me he'll be there and literally mean it. he who look at me under a different lite.
i dun expect to know an angel..i just expect nothing more than understanding with him respecting me as an individual.

i MAY seek comfort...but only from the ones i trust..

2006-03-26T19:01:00.000+08:00

i've exhausted the tryin to make things work when the outcome is so transparent phase. guess there won't be any hope of eternal bliss in life and love huh? hahahah!

bla..bla..bla..all the cliched thing in life..is just so boring already...give me something new to deal with PUH-LEASE! im already so bored of wanting to feel what everyone in this whole blue world keep longing for. take me to the other side of the rainbow and let me forget the blues of solitude. show me how to embrace this life of mine..this brain..this wit, this knowledge, body and soul.PLUS this solitary moment of mine.heh.

how am i to not think of it as sorrow and emptiness? espesh wen each time i walk i see people madly in love altho fighting. am i to be caged? i dun wish for that to happen...to be imprisoned by my fear and weakness. would i be stronger if i had been to the other side of the rainbow...the greener part of life. would it be clearer and would it make me fathom the reason behind all this? like why does HE put me here and make me feel this way?

so we keep havin things tat we dun wan laid on a silver platter served in front of us...and despite its value..we keep pushin it aside cuz..it is just not what we are looking for..and then the chance to our choice came and as always..the sugar rush. as ALWAYS, we get hurt by that chance that we took despite how cautious we were.all that effort gone to waste. oh.bollocks.here i am.
talkin abt the cliched crap again.haha.human!

my~~..although i know we didnt have much to talk abt..i just THOUGHT it'd work out somhow.BUT IT DIDNT.
dank.i hear the nagging at the back of my head again...

"emy...ur only turnin 19..there's no need to rush for all this"
haha...its rite you knoe...only 19...i still can wait for as long as i want...even as i age...hehehe...*bleahh*

anyhowz..i learnt the word PROWLING last night...haha. and that there's an
Al-Khair Mosque somewhere in CCK..hahahahaha.

2006-03-19T11:58:00.000+08:00

and its open for destruction, you found all the words you need.
well i found nothing and i just grumble
cause i dont know wat i feel
-the moral to the story goes..
Never Leave Your Heart Alone

in sheer vulnerability and total negligence.
i've lost my way again..i've never seen a milky way in the night sky.
neither have i seen such beauty in my life.
i thought i was getting there..but last night, i realised im no where near.
i could be meddling with disaster of sadness and pain.
i am not ready to numb neither am i ready to fall.
but i fell and im numbed.

it's just not it.not the right time and i pushed for it to happen.
in sheer vulnerability and total negligence,
i've lost my way again.

give me time..alone.

i'll be back soon..i promise. =)

Lord Bless

2006-03-17T20:27:00.000+08:00

it's been awhile havent it..well we all have our setbacks and achievements and i've had both of it this past few weeks. i'm not gona mob abt the setback neither am i gona brag about what i've achieved.hehe..if u really care and wana know..ASK ME! hehehe...

oh wellz peeps! i'm glad u loved this song of mine..ehehe...cuz im so in love with it too.hehe
many beautiful things have happened in this few little weeks..lots of em. nothing that my depression problem can overshadow.i've met so many people and got to know some of em and opened up to only one of them. hahaha.

Dani...thanks fer the beautiful gift of friendship and late calls at nite till the whee hours of the morning.. ;)
and of course the GIFT literally..hehehe...love it really! i cant thank you enuf..hahha

im havin my caffeine fix now..thinkin, refreshin and lookin back..
what really had happened the past few weeks? Hmmm....
i've been bummin alot at home that my brain's realy not functioning at top notch.bollocks.haha

so well...people...human beings..WE naturally will always go for something or someone that we cant have or can't achieve or cant put our hands on.
even though there is something someone or 2nd best right infront of us.
why is that? Hm.

maybe its coz of our belief..like we BELIEVE that we can get that choice or achive that dream.haha.
or perhaps, we just lurvveee the challenge. that we just wana hop on and take it. in hope for victory and happiness or something. leavin the 2nd choice at the back of our head.only to realise that the dream or the victory that we desire is beyond reach.

that's when we will look back and recollect..and THAT is also when we realise that 2nd best is NOT at all that bad..BUT by then, we realise it's too late. 2nd best is gone due to our being picky and stuff.we lost that opportuntiy of being happy. not knowin when will we get that knock on our door again.

hmm...and then u'll start pondering..that maybe it was not 2nd best. perhaps, it was IT. the one thing, person that u've been lookin for.u blew it. cuz u want perfection.when u urself aren't flawless. u want beauty, when ur nowhere near attraction at first sight. u want all those beautiful things in life when u havent really been workin hard to get it. we want so many things..with the so little things that we've done.
madness.total madness.
HEH.

so before u try to prove to urself that u wana keep it in view..just so to confirm that u cant have the one u've long desired for..think again.u might lose that one opportunity. of happiness and complete-ness.

Lord Bless.

2006-03-08T06:19:00.000+08:00

GARASI - HILANG
______________________________________

Dimanakah cinta sejati
Yang memberi ketenangan hati....
Sampai kapanku harus menanti,
Kau pergi dan mungkin tak kan kembali..

Dan aku menangis dan aku terluka..
Bila...
Dan aku menangis dan aku terluka..
Bilaa....
Engkau menghilang....

Kau pergi dari ku tinggal kan ku
Lewati malam tanpa kasihmu
Ku rangkai kata
Ku rangkai nada
Yang ku ingin hanyalah cinta
Dan semua menghilang..
Dan semua menghilang..
Dan semua menghilang..

Semua karena cinta ku menangis
Semua karena cinta ku tertawa
Semua karena cinta....
Semua karena cinta....

Dan kau tinggalkan hanyalah luka
Dan semua menghilang..
Dan semua menghilang..
Dan semua menghilang..

Semua karena cinta ku menangis
Semua karena cinta ku tertawa
Semua karena cinta....
Semua karena cinta....
_________________________________________

i have to figure me out and find myself...
im gona do the unthinkable for this one day..just one. find myself and figure out what i really am and why i am doin this. i am a walking contradiction of my life my view, my principle. i am not a hypocrite. im trying not to be. finding a way outa this with the solution in hand i know i'll walk out glorified, renewed and revived of my faith and believe in Him. i still believe. but it's weakening..its frailing and i feel the past catchin up on me...faster and faster wanting me to come back. go back to that place where in my heart i never really knew Him. never really fathomed Him. where he's at the back of my head. i need to rid myself of this thoughts.and find a reason and conclude this once and for all.
before it is all too late.

Lord..help me.find me.

2006-03-05T12:23:00.000+08:00

okaayyy~~..so what could prolly be goin smoothly in my life rite now?
NOT SURE.

one thing's for sure..i've met a weird but cool high-maintainance brat known as Mr.D who's never failed to make me luff...*smilez*
AND that im finally leading a routined life cycle doin the same old shyt everyday.
that's smooootthhh aint it? TSK.

i havent really faced a meltdown accept for that one time the poor fren of mine had to put up wit my coldness..HAHAHA. im not sure what could be up wit me somtimes and neither am i sure if im happy at all.but im fine.i know i am.a lil lost but fine.

there's been talks abt this guy and me amongst my sis and her frens..
and i hate to admit but i had feelins fer him.
being all "suave", potraying that "responsible" vibe wit charisma of the "man of my dreams" *puke*...
NOTHING beats the feelin of silence from him fer like months and then outa the blue u just see one phrase at the famous FRIENDSTER that reads,
"in a relationship" double bollocks my heart sorta sank for God knows why and then a pinch of dissapointment [bloody jerkoff] just creep up ur nerves. i was really kinda thrown aback. and i admit i got a lil carried away....HAHAHA.
cuz i have always only been "the girl whom he talks to when he's bored" ..heh.now, im calling myself a goon fer bein blinded.
but aint it oh so natural.haha.*wink*

but then i got slapped right back to reality and realised..that girl whom he's "in a relationship" with is kind of a 'bomb diggidity'. a girl that i know people like him will go for. sooo...im not exactly at a lost.
ALTHOUGH i am a whee bit sad cuz he was all i ever talked about..yakked about and am proud bragging about..
im sad cuz i duno what did i see in him after so much realisation of the way he treated me last time.HEH.i was sooo blinded.

i've learnt one thing though- that well..he's no different after all and sis sha is right about him. and i know tat typical male wit typical male mindset will not go for someone like emylin.hahahaha.
oh well...leave it to fate. im in no rush fer any kind of relationship neways. =)

2006-02-28T23:34:00.000+08:00

i've done many wrongs in life..and im never gona escape from it
all the sins and all the obsessions in life just to be complete.

give me a reason not to shed tis tears.a reason that's far from the obvious cuz my vulnerability is takin its toll on me. i make decisions upon decisions and i always will turn my back against them. i spat ultimatums to ppl who hurt me and to myself and i go back on them each time i see a glimpse of hope or relieve.

the best thing that have ever happened to me was being born into tis world into this life.with so many things to learn from and be glad for.

the worst thing was being wat i am now. staring into this box of technology jotting down my heartaches disappointments and pain. finding ways to complete tis emptiness and find things or someone to help me pass this phase of my life faster..an exodus to this continuous letdowns.bollocks.

in the end of all this i know that there aint no escape.that there will be no shortcut to paradise. that i will be in the same place again. that i'd still have to take the long route that's filled with so many waves and crashes.

crossing over to the other side of the world is exhausting..yet i wana be happy.
i dun wana go back on decisions made time and time again.
sometimes i just duno myself..who am i really?
one moment i can be tis heartless apathetic demented ass..the next moment tis lost and clumsy girl who seems to be jinxed and the next this sweet girl who people look up to.

what am i now? like a code waiting to be deciphered.
i hafta figure myself out..wat the heck.
like wat ppl will always say...
"you're only 19".HEH.

2006-02-23T01:12:00.000+08:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask oursleves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our prescence automatically liberates others."

- Maryanne Williamson

2006-02-20T19:16:00.000+08:00

i apparently wrote this just now wen i was bored cuz i couldnt think..hehe
SO i'd like to share it wit u guys...
enjoy... and tell me wat u think =)

.Blessed.

There was this girl whose tryina find her way
She was lost in her own world
Finding answers for questions upon questions
She can't find them n she lost herself

What happened to that genial girl?
Where is she gona go..?
Where is life gona take her to?
Is she gona give up looking?
Ultimately.?

I was that girl till u came along
I was lost of hope and believe
Not knowing my worth cause nobody's there
I was alone..and bleaked of my fate
Eremophobia was my greatest fear

When you came into this life of mine
And showed me the colours of the rainbow
I'm ecstatic again
I know I'm alive again
You are the answer to my prayer

The angel sent from up above
Restoring my strength, reasoning my faith
Blessed truly by your presence
I am truly blessed by you..

You make me want to dance again
Sing and laugh ludicrously again
Resonating me with your wits and
Completing me with your soulful aura

My mind when I couldn’t think
The air when I couldn’t breathe
My soul when I was lost in me
The sound mind tat keeps me goin..

Im blessed..
Truly..
By your heart and bona fides..

2006-02-19T23:11:00.000+08:00

Wind Beneath My Wings

It must have been cold there in my shadow
To never have sunlight on your face
You were content to let me shine, that's your way
You always walked a step behind

So, I was the one with all the glory
While you were the one with all the strain

A beautiful face without a name for so long
A beautiful smile to hide the pain

Did you ever know that you're my hero
And everything I would like to be
I can fly higher than an eagle
For you are the wind beneath my wings

It might have appeared to go unnoticed
But I've got it all here in my heart

I want you to know, I know the truth, of course I know you
I would be nothing without you

Did you ever know that you're my hero
You're everything I wish I could be
I could fly higher than an eagle
For you are the wind beneath my wings

Did I ever tell you you're my hero
You're everything, everything I wish I could be

Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle
For you are the wind beneath my wings
Cause you are the wind beneath my wings
Oh, the wind beneath my wings

You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings
Fly, fly, fly away, you let me fly so high
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings
Fly, fly, so high in the sky
So high, I almost touch the stars

Thank you, thank you, thank God for you
The wind beneath my wings
_______________________

Despite the distance and the lack of time spent
im tellin u that ur still my One and Only..

no one can ever be truly blessed to have a sister like you..
i am blessed..and i always will be regardless of the circumstances..
i love you.

"i carry ur heart...i carry it in my heart"

blessed =)

2006-02-16T02:06:00.000+08:00

i was lonely and searching..and trust me, i still am. but im not sad..neither am i ecstatic.
but im half full in a cup..no longer half empty.

so come and hurt me and despise me..give me all those criticisms and maddening remarks..i dun give a damn. ur just gona be like everybody else..dissing and criticizing..without lookin at urself in the mirror.

being independent and numb is really all it takes..
experiences taught me not to follow my hurt and ignore matters of the heart. im on my own..but it doesnt make me weak. it makes me wiser and in time..i know i'll be complete..i'll meet that person..
when the time comes..i know i'l be greater than ecstatic..cuz i wun be a cup half full..*wink*

i spent loads of time alone searching for myself..figurin out what i wana do in life..questioning myself..
what do i really want out of all this?

i still havent figure it out..and im gona spend every moment in solitude tryin to do so..theres however only one thing im sure of..
to make my loved ones happy.to complete them the way i long to be completed..
and noo...i dun wana end up bein a spinster..haha
im just puttin the thougths of relationships at the back of my head..for now.

yesterday, i sat lookin..at the sight of the people around me.. i was amazed by the kaleidoscopic image..the many mixtures and blends of characters and personalities..i never realised how beautiful life is..how the Lord actually is an Almighty..how great is the work of the Creator. overwhlemed by the happiness of others and saddened by the fact that i've only realised life's true beauty now..
its never too late i guess..heh..as long as im alive..it's all good. =)

dun be depressed..and live life in misery..ur never truly lonely..unless if u choose to.
stop thinking that u serve no purpose in this life cuz u'll never realise wat big tasks u were meant to hold.. there is nothing wrong in sharing other's happiness and its not a sin to be happy wen others are not..u dun need someone to make u happy..wat makes u think that someone else would wana be wit u wen ur that sad of a case?

trust me..i know. being lonely is sick and it hurt. but its worst of when ur lonely, sad AND depressed..think abt it.

btw guys...smile! its ok if it makes u look a lil retarded..
its the first step to a beautiful day... =D

*smiling*

Lord Bless

2006-02-11T03:40:00.000+08:00

weettzzzz!!

today is madness~...haha.i feel rejuvenated.
like all my confidence came back full force and its like the right timing! haha. =))

my sis was like confused how come i suddenly got superbly hyper and happy out of the blue after weeks of esteem problems LAH. male species problems LAH. school problems LAH. haha.
(i cant believe there's singlish dictionary online!!)

owelll...its all in a matter of time aint it.
till u realise that shedding tears and worrying is all just a waste of every workin muscle, wearing your body out.heh. im just exhausted of wondering what happens if this goes this way...or that.
i've learnt that we should just do our best in whatever, and never look back on it. as long as there's no regrets of 'what if'. accept the fact that wats done cant be undone..and that if the outcome is not to our favour..its OK.really.

life is total madness...it makes u realise beautiful things in the strangest possible way..and all tis bonkers ways are usually the ways where we really learn.HAHA.crAzee.

i saw the fireworks today..at esplanade and it was beautiful.
stood there for whole 2mins+..watched it wit my one and only and my sista..texted him and told him abt it..only to realise that there aint no reply.im not taken aback really cuz it's all expected.only kinda sad cuz, i had to stick to my decision to numb my feelings.hehe...its realllleee not all that bad..

i only got one focus noww...rocking on for the exams and then..
freeedddoommm.......

well..i've been wanting to say
Ellyas..i miss you..HAS! ur hair so totallllyyy rockkssss!!!
Irfan..tell her u miss her if u really do..
Sue..hang onto him if u know he deserves the chance..
Shi..dun hafta do anything..let it all flow..ur already doin alrite..=)
Kengkee..no matter wat, u noe im here.and yea..its a "new" fon after the 8210 and pink razor.HAHA.

The rest of u..u noe i mean it wen i say i care for u. =D
embrace love..cuz..

God loves us.
I love tis..magnifique.hehe

2006-02-09T13:42:00.000+08:00

..Ku Katakan dengan Indah..

Ku katakan indah dengan terbuka hatiku hampa
Sepertinya luka menghampirinya
Kau beri rasa yang berbeda mungkin ku salah...
Mengartikannya yang ku rasa cinta

Tetapi hatiku selalu meninggikanmu
Terlalu meninggikanmu, selalu meninggikanmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku, kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
Membuatku merasakan yang t'lah terjadi
Semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati
Semua yang terhenti tanpa ku akhiri

Kau hancurkan hatiku tak tertahan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
__________________________
the foolishness of fallin for someone..u still fall and care and try..despite all the hurt tat he/she caused u and all the lack of attention he/she gave u..
ur not a fool.and he/she doesnt make u one. ur just blinded by the hopes tat u think mite come by..regardless of d fact tt miracles do happen, its still rare.

and its not that he/she dun care, he/she does..but not the way u want him/her to..and its not that he/she hurt u..he's/she's just unaware cuz he/she's simply uninterested.BUT im not saying tat u cant make him/her fall for u..
tat u should give up..

i think we should take time off..to decide if he/she is worth the heartbreak. if not..i believe we should save ourselves from the pain and time..and just go out and look for someone who deserves tat chance.
cuz altho he/she dun love u..u noe ur special..and u surely deserve to be loved by someone who deserves to love u.

wat's love without hurt..?
take the chance to experience hurt without regrets..so tat u know how to treasure love when it finally becomes urs..
~tats wat i believe.

patience is the key to virtue.so lets not rush shall we..? =)

Lord Bless

2006-02-08T21:31:00.000+08:00

"in real life love has to be possible. Even if it is not returned right away, love can only survive wen the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person u desire"

my fren and i spoke of men and relationships. how complicated they can actually get. we talked abt takin chances.and talked abt risks.

only to realise how stupid we are to try to fathom the unfathomable. we can never understand love. and we cant also understand man. even if we try..we will fail. cuz that's just the way it is. love just really transcends all boundaries..it is a hirearchy of its own..u fall for someone. someone whom u cant even be with when there's another guy standing there..givin u all that u need.why?

it's just us.humans.always wanting sth that we can never have.it's always our dream that we are after..so he could be ur perfect other. BUT he's always not feeling the same way or showing u mixed signals..

and then..i duno wat else to say.i cant advise u cuz im lost myself.heh.just think about the quote and follow ur mind and heart wen it is one.
women, remember tho ur morale..

be patient..and remember that it's better to live life hurting of the truth than to live life hurting of regrets. cuz wit hurt, u learn and wit regret u'll only be in remorse wondering "what if".

and for the guy whose always dressed in white, i only have eyes for you. =)

Lord Bless

2006-02-06T00:55:00.000+08:00

u cant break me cuz im already broken.

sometimes...people just loathe seeing you happy. they will just find means and ways to irritate the shyt out of u.

from someone wit loadsa experience..do tis.

dun give a shyt and shrug it off..cuz only u know better.hehen

it's not abt bein apathetic..it's abt having enough. when people keep playing the shyt out of u..fooling you..draining you.im guessing that it should be high time for u to not give a damn abt tis people.

it wun be easy at first..but wen it's all done.and u succeed ignoring, it's alll gooodd...and plain madness..ahaha.

move on.when tings dun go ur way, move on. if it all turns shitty, shrug it off and just move on. =)

if things were ever meant to be..it'll all come back to you..always remember tat He has better plans for u..for every obstacles and setbacks, there'll be better things ahead of u. faith and belief is all it takes. so dun stop believing...

May the Lord bless you. =)

Metamorphosis

2006-02-02T12:36:00.000+08:00

Metamorphosis- A transformation, as by magic or sorcery

That process could be me..morphing into someone so real yet so unsure. Im not lost in myself..im just sort of confused. tho i know that this is what i want..i am kinda clueless at times of the things that im going thru..the people around me and the passers-by comin in and out of my life.

what's up wit me..?

i am not really aware of my purpose in mourning and yearning of contentment and im not really aware of the reason to why i am always feelin so blue. neither am i aware of the dissapearance of the girl i once knew..
the down-to-earth hypractive, loco loony girl who always brightens up the day of the people around her..what happened.??

i am really not sure..but im out to get her back.
cuz if i cant make myself happy..who can? haha =D

so people do come in and out of ur life and some just vanish into thin air..
some leave a scar that hurt or a footprint that alters you..
whatever the markings could be, their presence have a purpose..all of them. everyone that u come across or get to know have a reason to be there..
they enlighten u into things that ur not aware of..

for instance, if a guy walks in and out of ur life..talkin to u only if he feels like talkin. knowin that u fancy him..n ur dumb vulnerable self get eluded by his jerkiness
only to then realise that he's makin use of u..enjoyin the ride and thus, regret engulfed u..u keep sayin
"shouldn't have done tis" or tat..
then..woopz.too late!

u swear urself off of guys only to find urself talkin to another guy and yada yada..but with each experiences wit every guy u become more aware..more cautious..stronger..no matter how slow the process or how many times u keep makin the same mistake over and over again..
each guy that used u actually wakes u up. teaches u how to not be vulnerable..how to be strong..how not having a lover doesnt necessarily spell spinster.HAHA.

we should take a look at things that way..that every hurt caused by everyone ard u teaches or shows u somethg..these are some of the lessons in life tat most humans fail to consider to rectify.including me.

well people..i learnt that miracles DO happen..
if u just let go off that "other" in ur life, in ur heart..who keeps pulling u back to square one..that "other" who always tells u that u'll be 'safer' tis way..who pollute ur mind that whatever ur thinking is gona hurt u. that ur plans are just bound to tumble..that "other" in you who keeps u cautious and afraid of takin the chance..
dun let him take control of you..ur in control of urself. tell that "other" in you that u're in charge. let him go..let him stay at that corner.he's done enough damage.

what's life without hurt, problems and sufferings..?
what's love without the series of heartbreaks?
what's a statement without a meaning?
what's you without taking control of yourself?

we are all growin..older not younger. dun wori abt the what ifs..just dive in and swim..and explore the deep blue sea..there may be sharks and jellyfish..but there are also coral reefs and pearls..it's the matter of how keen and how much faith u have in urself and how strong u are.
you are strong.

everything in life has two meanings..two outcomes and two sides. thus, defining the fact that the Lord really created such a thing that everything comes in pairs.. the sun accompanied by the moon..the female and the male..happiness and sadness..a yes and a no..to be loved or heartbroken..
to learn..or to be dumb.

consider this..and im sure u'll be an optimists and things will sail..
living life will be a breeze and u'll be the one person that people look up to
(not like it matters..hehe).

p/s: im sorry sis..I LOVE YOU. ur still my one and only and kak sha..ur not a burden..ur a gift. thanks fer loving me.

loved and embracing the beauty of this life..my life.

Lord bless.

2006-01-30T04:24:00.000+08:00

it scares me wen i see u change..into someone i disdained
scares me wen im put in second place again.
scares me wen i see u drifting away..lost in the rain

u noe the feelin that u get wen u think that u're a burden to the one person who means the world to you..? like she dun wana be wit you cuz she feel like ur just gona cause her problems..mebe a form of restriction..
and all of the favours tat she does fer you are just due to her obligations to u.
claimed to be her "life" or something..her so-called "reason" for living..

now, i duno..if it's all true..or are they just merely words. that's been constantly mouthed, spitting saliva everywhere..
none of which comes from the heart..
i wonder..
do u fathom the meaning of "actions speaks louder than WORDS"..?

u know..it really just doesnt matter to me anymore..
all i have is myself..
and that's all it is.
i can only trust me.
i've been bounded by promises..beautiful words of hope..and faith.
all of which means nothing. i dun care about whether or not ur around..
or if i am ur priority or if u even give a damn.
i dun give a shit anymore.

i am sorry tho that i've troubled u in so many ways..i apologize in u having to constantly put up wit them cuz of me.
cuz tats just me aint it..?
trouble.menace.nuisance.pest.

ur gona read tis..and apologize again..try to xplain ur position again.
do the same ol shit again. say u realised again.
y not just record all that and put it on replay..the next time u fucked up.
bollocks.i dun care.i hate my damnest in everything.
i hate my benovelence.
i HATE the fact that i cant literally HATE. i despise the fact that i'd be forgotten and hurt time and time again.
i can't handle the fact that i dun have anyone to talk to wen im crying in the night in solitude. i just cant. i am crying..and there's no one to open my mouth to.no one.goodness..

i dun wana wish or hope cuz it takes me nowhere. cuz it'll never happen.
cuz it'll just bring in more pain. i dun believe in miracles..cuz it doesnt exist.
that's why it's called a freakin miracle.dammit.

how could you be my one and only when im not yours.?
im sick of crying cuz u do this again.
im sick of seein u morph into someone familiar..
im sick of u putting me in third place
im sick of you pretending like u noe me.
u don't know me.
u just dont really know me.u cant read me like a book.
tho i may be predictable, u'll never know wats running thru my mind.
never.
no one ever will.

altho it hurts to see you disappear..
i'ma accept it..and be on my own..
from now on
it just me and this demented world.

2006-01-28T12:38:00.000+08:00

No
more
tears
to shed

im lonely and i'd have to deal with it.

2006-01-28T02:55:00.000+08:00

im empty hollow and lost again.
its nothing new-i noe.

im sick of feeling tis way over and over again
im drenched and fatigue is catching up on me

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
oh Lord..help me please..i need you

after all tat i've been thinking and the soul searching tat i've made,
perhaps i should consider being numb..
to the point that i dun care abt wat people think of me.

i have been constantly bummed out by wat people think
that not impressing them or failing just keep hurting.
man! i dun wana hurt anymore.

im just fragile..get it?!
admittedly sensitive to my surrounding..
i care for you..no matter hw short a period of time i knew u
dun judge me with just a conversation
dun pick on me.underestimate me.
WITHOUT giving me the chance.dun.
u dissapoint me.

i met this person who seemingly appeared like a dream come true..
all nice..humble..and all..
as we spoke..i got intrigued..
only to find out that ur just like everyone else.
tsk.

once again-bollocks!

i duno how my heart and mind works..
it just does tis "rush" thing when i come across someone like u..
and this is madness. how am i to stop it?
i dunoo..
BUT i noe that i can avoid it..
so i avoid having all tis feelins.
i avoid getting close to ppl like you.
i refrain myself from my weakness.

someone told me that i'm easy to please..
perhaps i am..
only by those with artisitic influences..
im an artsy person..that's just me.
i need someone as artsy to understand me..
sme1 who have the same passion for my love to understand me..

my life is surrounded with music..cuz it's wat i grew up with..
i may not be able to play any instruments..
but i do know how to appreciate good music..
i love to write and i can just continue writing things that u cant figure out.
this is me.

i give up giving a shit about you.

in the end..im still gona be on my own..
so it really doesnt matter.
does it?

sometimes not caring is just the best way to get u by..
correct me if im wrong.

2006-01-27T00:25:00.000+08:00

ONE thing i've learnt that u can do
if ur hurt, lost, having cramps, heartbroken or lonely..

watch A Walk to Remember
[regardless of the number of times you've watched it]
followed by a string of other heart warming movies like that..
for instance, The Perfect Man or Serendipity..

it'll take you through a space of time..
as if ur in ur utopia..
it'll make u forget all those pain all those hurt that's goin on in you.

and you'll learn that the movies will somehow make u feel better
one way or the other.. (:

espesh A Walk to Remember..it's like the IT love story of our time..HAHA

i watched em with an aching spine, monthly cramps and a lost soul..
i regained my composure and danced away right after the movie marathon..
~i'm dancing in the moonlight....~
whee~~

TRY IT! (;

i love love

BOLLIX

2006-01-26T01:45:00.000+08:00

break me down and define me..
breach me of our friendship and let me see..
how we are really never meant to be.

this is all of hate and repression.

i tried and tried to make this work..but u are all the same
i tried and tried to be ur lucky girl..but u left me maimed
i tried and tried to be there to care..but i was lamed
despite my damndest, i am left to be blamed.

to give my hope and re-enact dreams of you..
never considering that it might not come true..
continuously believing that i've finally "found" you.

you are all the same..never different nor special
u break me like everyone else in this demented world
perhaps i could be tis young menace of a girl
not cut out to be your gem or your bloody pearl

shut ur gap if u wana tell me that u bloody cared
damn those shyts for the songs u shared
i was contradicted by ur character that i embraced
i hate you for constantly making me ponder and prognosticate

i loathe each and every one of you for wanting to be perfect
i loathe you for not giving a damn as i'm breakin my back
i loathe you for makin me feel tis whacked
but i can't loathe u..cuz it's all my act

hoped for too much and hurt myself again
the venom of the snake bit me in vain
i'm already in emotional vexatious pain
i knew i should've never fall again.

-- i wrote tis for those who feel BOLLOCKS UP by those heartless apes out there

Good Luck to you..Lord bless..

2006-01-23T00:38:00.000+08:00

loneliness is not necessarily by choice..u can be accompanied with what u already have..
rite? and ultimately, ur not alone..hmm...
im uncertain of my own statement..but somehow, i think its possible.
can't it be possible? it can.i noe it can.(wink)

so im accompanied with beautiful sisters..lovely brother and sister-in-law..adorable nephews and niece and challenging yet grateful parents..and not forgetting my well-worth buddies..
sooo..im nnot really lonely..i think.haha.
(im trying to psycho myself here)...

with this, i believe that one need to be on their own literally to really know how it feels like to be lonely..hmm...
is being lonely really all that? (i'm questioning myself now..heh.)

HONESTLY, i think being lonely is not only about being physically on your own..or not having anyone to love-love is just too soonn to declare.

so to me, being lonely is more than that. and in my case, it's when u dun have the someone to really share your ups and downs with..not as a family member..or solely as a fren.. it's as someone who willingly cares for u..u noe wat i mean?

not like a fren..or a relative..just as someone special..doing all those big and little things to tell you that he cares..to show you how much u mean to him..that sort.
that someone i have yet to come across..maybe soonn..i duno..(smiling)

i haven't been day-dreaming or imagining much..BUT lately, i think i've been doin too much of it..haha..
and it's not good to day dream..
believe me..cause it gives you hope in sth that's totally uncertain..to see something that u've always wanted..making you more certain that it's what ur sure of, that it's wat u want.

then u hope and u hope..and u fly really high..and then, when the outcome is not to ur desire,
u fall..u fall realy hard that it takes a long time to heal..-the result of flying too high.

i dun wana be in that place...where i would fall..
but i wun stop dreaming..i want to believe that he'll come..one day..
that he might just pop out of nowhere and serenade me..

the time will come..one fine day.. :)

hehe..for now..i think i'll be patient.. -wink2-

2006-01-19T14:00:00.000+08:00

broken into pieces of shattered dreams..you refuse to try again. you gave up.

don't give up on hope of loving and living. don't stop believing..don't run away. don't.

i keep telling myself this. it's like a constant reminder tat i give to myself to make me stronger. like a string of words to hypnotize me of what could be. i am really uncertain of what the future holds and i can never be certain of the future. BUT it is not the future that i am afraid of. it's my fear of not having anyone to love is what fears me most.

yesterday, i realised that i have to start being independent and learn to not be afraid of loneliness.that it don't necessarily mean emptiness or bleak. i realised that i am not always a priority in my loved ones' life. that i can always be substituted by someone else. that i perhaps have to look for other people who will wana spend time wit me when they know that i am alone.

but i dun want to make new friends..i dun wana tell another group of ppl my dark past. i dun wana have to repeat something that i am not at all proud of. I just don't want. I refuse. But i dun wana be alone either. I dun wana watch them go to someone else and leave me standing there alone either..ugh. i can't have everything.i just can't.

i am gona learn to try to accept being alone and think of my purpose in living.

sometimes, we just duno what we have till it's gone. we take advantage of wat's there and abuse the privilege. we are just human..filled with greed of wanting more than wat we already have. that's just us. we tend to forget our roots and what we are here for. we tend to lose ourselves and forget about the things that matters. we just forget. sometimes intentional, sometimes not.hmm..humans.

in this moment..love is sacred. dun take advantage of your lover's love, mother's love, sister's love, brother's love, friend's love and most importantly, God's Love.
coz if you lose it..it'll be gone. and the flame will just die..there won't even be a spark to start the fire.so dun take advantage of the flame by trying to sprinkle water to it.don't.

so today..tell your mum,dad,sister,brother,friends,lover how much they mean to you and that you love them. pray to the Lord and thank him for loving you.

Coz u never noe if tomorrow will ever come. You never know.

an ode to my loved ones

2006-01-17T11:41:00.000+08:00

I am not preaching for anything more than for the happiness of my loved ones. Cuz that is all that matters to me. A part from my hopes for success, I want them to be independent and have a goal in life. I want them to try and try till their brain grow and grow out of space and time..i want them to be willing to work hard to achieve that goal of theirs and feel the satisfaction at every end of it. I want to hear them bragg and feel proud of their achievements and tell them to stop whenever it's too much.. hehe

I dun wan any of you to suffer all your life..i want you to make your parents happy, but ultimately, what I want most is for you to be happy. It is really ok if you suffer now..or if u dun get to enjoy much now..the time will come..you noe it will. So just be patient and do wat u must. Just do what you must. STOP playing and start thinking abt your future. U have many examples ahead of you to learn from..do you wana end up like them? Not having a purpose in life..do you? Or do you wana be earning a 5-digit salary doin what u love. Don't you want that? Imagine all the securities in life that u’ll have..it is not only financial..it is emotional security as well..u wun hafta worry about not havin enuf cuz u know you have enough.

I'll help you reach that goal..we'll make it together..i know we can. And we will.

However, if you happen to manage to reach that goal..and achieve all the successes in life.
Don't forget..
Please just don't lose yourself in the wealth..please just don't forget the Lord.

I am proud to be born in this family with this life. I may not be lucky by the look of it. And you ppl might be telling yourselves

-"damn I'm lucky my family's not tis complicated"

you noe wat..im actually lucky..on the underside of it..i'm lucky. Cuz it makes me stronger, it makes me bolder and it gives the level of maturity of a woman. A woman who went through it all and am willing to share with others her sorrows and bad encounters. A woman who's able to say, "I've been there".
I am not fully matured tho..cuz that'll just make me olddd…and I dun wana be that so sooonnn…besides, I still have more things to learn from. I'm lucky in the sense that I'm experiencing all this now, with the presence of my mum, my sisters and my brothers..i am able to learn this wit their guidance..while they are still around and free from any other deeper commitments in family and life. I'm lucky in the sense that I am able to see the mistakes of my family that I can learn from them. I am lucky in the sense that I am brought up in moderation without really experiencing the high end of life so I can really fathom the meaning of hardship and modesty. See, I am also lucky..alike you..who have perfect families.
Those with families like mine..dun fret..cuz you're lucky to be brought to tis world without having to worry about being arrogant and about losing yourself in the bed of rice given to you. You're not unlucky..you're just lucky in a different way..so dun fret.

you're not alone and there's always a beautiful side of everything ugly.

may the Lord bless you.

humans

2006-01-15T05:16:00.000+08:00

HUMANS are just too hard to crack sometimes
there are soo many kinds that listing every type will not be off much use

humans naturally have expectations and limitations.
only that it varies based on tolerance and exposure.
the expectations of someone can also be of hurt to oneself as it may be too high
Naturally, we wun wana take that expectation down a notch.
knowing that we can achieve it one day.
ONE DAY.
when?
not sure.heh

all that's left to be said and questioned is-
are these people arrogant? over-confident? patient? optimistic? or just dumb?

not dumb i hope.

i spent the day with my sister today and shared the juices of our lives.
as moved as i am by her determination to make things right, i somehow feel tat she's still missing something somewer..perhaps it could be the emptiness that's yearning to be filled..
but please, dun pour her a glass of water.
fill her a cup of fresh, purified water from the mountains.
she's special..she deserves something more than the water that you drink everyday.
more than the time taken for you to collect the water and pour..
more than your rambling and your exhaustion.
she's special...kak sha-u're special and i love you

the breakups and hurt that's happening around me just makes me think..
what could be the ways to avoid such complication and hurt?
could it be patience and time?
im really not sure..
cuz there are just too many hurt and disatisfied human beings everywhere.
too much.
half of which choose to keep it within themselves
while some of the rest put him/herself in third place while explaining the situation.
why this? what happened to love and trust?is it not already there?

Please..
dun be a fool for going into depression and self-mutilation.
dun be an ass by keeping it to yourself wen asked.
dun be reluctant..cuz u will feell better..trust me-u'll feel better.

when things dun happen the way they want it to be you curl up in remorse and shut yourself off from the world that's revolving in silence.you choose to hurt alone cuz u dun wana trouble others not knowing how much lesser damage u'd cause if u had done otherwise.
why??? why suffer in silence??till now, im still not sure why.

caught in such a state having reacted the same way with the mutilation and adrenaline that derives from it..i long to be heard..and no one hears me..no one really heard me.
so i spoke to myself.
and then i found a friend..
and the friend listened and told me to pray.he just told me to pray..

so do that and do it intently with your hope and purpose in mind..start serving Him the way you should..the way you really should.don't worry..it's easy. it's the society that's making it difficult.trust me.

whichever path u are at now..just stop and ask yourself-
Am i doing th right thing? What if i were to die tomorrow??

if your answer is negative to the former..stop what you are doing now.
for u can always have the possibilities of dying anytime.
seek for forgiveness from the Lord and start over. do it and i promise you the serenity and sense of belonging that comes with it.
there was once when i didnt believe-it brought me happiness but more physical and mental hurt than i could ever imagine.
now, it still brought me happiness but it comes with the patience that i have had never imagined i could acquire within me to handle those hurt.there wasnt any physical hurt.only mentally arduous.hehe

u might not be as lucky as i am to have met such a friend..
but u could be lucky by reading tis..
an omen to you..to stop hurting yourself and/or attempting to end ur life.
-u'll just end up handicapped.

everyone has his place and time..evryone has his ways of handling hurt..
but everyone have the same desire to die as exodus to ur predicament.
dun be a coward..face it.
he helped me face it..and im glad..
i can never be filled wit more exhilaration than having him around

added to my list of the most important ppl in my life..
- Ellyas Rezzal :) haha

hmm..

2006-01-11T05:06:00.000+08:00

bring me the beauty of ur words of wisdom and i'll carve it within me..
charm me with your elegance, sincerity, honesty, modesty and genuinity.
no pun is intended in this phrase, just the you whom i've longed to see...

everyone seek to find that one person who loves them
so that they can love and be loved
they long for them that the longing turns to be an obsession and fear..
obsessed in lookin for that someone and fear in bein too vulnerable.
i speak tis of myself and am a representative to anyone who wish to be represented

honestly, love is a delusion of eternal bliss and dependence.
i realise that the word "love" isnt "love" without passion and the willingness to accept
it isn't love if you just merely base it on feelings..
neither is it love if you solely base it on physical affection.

it has been said that love is like a Butterfly,
"it eludes you if you keep lookin for it, but it comes to you when u least expect it"
as ironic the analogy could be to similarize love with a butterfly,
i agree to it.

Love needs alot of hardwork and patience to last
it needs alot of care, and understanding with the utmost sensitivity.
Love itself is a dangerous aspect of life.
as it may exacerbate one's heart that was already broken.
you found it, you get to it and if you feel it..you go for it.

its not only about feelings..its about mutual respect
and understanding of one's heart with the other..
love can't exist wen it's prepossessed
neither can it exist out of doubts and negligence

so my darling sister, Hidayah..be patient..he'll come one day ;)

" Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined
together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement,
it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.

That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground,
and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

hehe ;P

dont lie

2006-01-09T21:49:00.001+08:00

The cool breeze won't stop brushing past me..
Oooh..i love this weather..the Greatness of He ;)
[the incessant rain is however strange dun u think?]

i woke up from this dream..realising who i was.
demanding, self-absorbed, obsessed, vulnerable.
i admit to such obstinance and it tickles me to the bones to realise this.
was i really that full of myself?haha.
i never knew.and perhaps, i have always known. [smirk]

one thing's for sure tho, i am not apathetic, indifferent, or stoic
towards wat people think of me.
in fact, it bothers me..everytime.
it matters to me to be well-liked, and to be doted on.
i dun understand how others can be so cold and calloused to have such apathy.
it takes so much will power and confidence to not give a heck abt being maligned.
heh.-teach me how to have a heart of stone.

naturally filled with benovelence and concern for the ppl close to me
- just dont cheat on me, lie to me and make a fool of me..
my heart will close its doors to giving a damn about you.
these are the things that will hurt me the MOST.
to be lied to through and through.

just tell me the truth and i promise you i'll accept u as u are.
just tell me what's really on ur mind and i'll listen to ur voice.
just tell me ur fears and i'll share with you mine
just don't lie to me if you dun wana lose me.
-cuz that will be wer u'll see the underside of me-Calloused.

i melt at every beautiful sight, every bewitching moves, angelic charm.
i admire those glitterati-es..with the weird hair-dos and designer wears from head to toe.
i am that girl who is not ashamed to be one.
that person who dun wana be seen as "cool" or "tough"..
i am just this girl.

i appreciate the gift of friendship, love and the existence of sufferings.

"without suffering there will be no compassion"

however, despite all this truth, i no longer long to be loved.
as the word love is just too full of complications with many things to be based upon.
I will love when He wants me to love..
for now, i have Him..who does so unconditionally :D

may you be blessed by Him.

2006-01-08T05:04:00.000+08:00

im writing this in the comfort of a cold and wet weather..by the window..
letting the splitz and splatz of raindrops hit me..letting the cool breeze of the wind freeze me..
as the rain gets heavier and heavier..i get drenched.
but im laughing..cuz it feels so good.. ;)

the greatness of the Lord..the weather, the gifts of nature that will never be permanent..
if only it was permanent..if only we are permanent.
heh.

i dun wana be immortal tho..cuz as we are living this life..
we are already unaware of our purpose and our direction..
where do we go next?
what to do next?
what to become next?
what's next?

i doubt any of us would wana continue their life routine like that for eternity
-but then again, i never know.heh.
do you??-tell me.i wana noe.

TIME..we only have so little of it..yet too much of it will be of redundance
aspirations..ambitions..imaginations..hopes and dreams..
so many to achieve and excel in..
many people fret too much-including me.
and i honestly cant fathom why..haha

why can't we just STOP worrying and just get right to it?

people always ponder over the things that doesnt need to be pondered upon..
other people's lives..the righteousness of the religion and the reason for living.

why nose in to other's when your life's uncertain.

why question Islam when it is the religion tat gave you the sense of belonging.

why question the reason for your presence when your already living it for yearss..

why ask?? -i bring the shame upon myself..for questioning so much.heh.
i just can't help being inquisitive--alike most of you.. :D

friends, acquaintances, relatives, families..
they all asked me the same question..
"why now??" - is that a question or a statement?
tell me were is the wrong in wearing a head-dress..
tell me wat form of restrictions could it bring me..
what negligence could i have made..to doing wat i am meant to do??

does it make me un-cool?
does it make me unattractive?
does it make me look uptight?

well it doesnt matter cuz it puts me in a better place..
a better state of mind..
and it gives me the respect and the serenity that not any other ordinary women will receive.
the respect that i have for myself and my religion.
the serenity that i have gathered from the prayers and the reminders of Him always being there

[need i say more?]

we are special.let me tell you tat.
so stop asking me if it's hot..cuz its not.
stop asking me why cover so much..cuz i feel less sinful.
stop makin false judgements
cuz i wun give a fag wit a cuppa coffee to listen to u.
just stop.

u may look down on me as i'm imperfect
dun empathize me, for im not the worst off yet
dun think highly of me, for im not quite an intellect
dun criticize as you have yourself to first look at.

may peace be upon you.

2006-01-02T22:11:00.000+08:00

" A new year..A new beginning "
-that's wat everyone would say

Perhaps people DO try to be different..that could be their resolution or something.
BUT what crap will it be and wat use is it for if u just gap and yap about it without actually doin it? i hate it when such statements are made by the people who made that so-called resolution a year ago or perhaps two years ago..shame on you.

the trip thought me many beautiful and ugly things..like the beauty of my religion and the uniqueness and gracefulness of Islam..On the other hand, the future of Islam-the youths, the young adults, that's scattered around drinking and makin a fool of themselves selling their bodies and providing personal services..in clubs and by the roads bringing down the name of the community..or even some of which are homosexuals..displaying public affection openly..sick aint it? -give me your opinion.

Will this "trend" ever stop? Or shall we just ignore it as always? Usually, humans will naturally do the latter. Honestly, so will I.Bleah.Shame on me.

The trip made me realise my feelings, my Faith, my belief and my actual responsibility as a sister, daughter and a lady of opinion. As a sister, i should try to always understand no matter how much it hurts to be there and swallow the sight and the sound. As a daughter, i should conform to the rules at home and respect them..and as a lady of opinion..i should speak my mind but at the same time be modest and soft-spoken. -strange ain't it?

My Faith in Him is ever growing and my belief in Him will not subside as i believe in the greatness of his strength and plans for me..

Its funny though that the feelin is not goin away..its strange how its growin the closer tat i get to you, and the more things that i found out abt u-good and bad facts...
I know that im just "this fren" of yours..and i honestly dun mind.
Perhaps u are not attracted to some1 like me or perhaps u already have someone else..

whoever that person is..

BUT i want you to know..that i fell for you..and i cant fall out of you.
so im just gona wait.
till ur ready..til u can accept me as something more..
till you wana talk to me abt it.

if you dun ever wana talk to abt it..please know that ur My Angel in disguise.
i just want u to noe..that i duno wat i'd become without you..
i just want u to noe..that no matter wat or who u really are..im not going anywhere..
i just want you to know.

i thank you.

2005-12-27T13:34:00.000+08:00

SO..the shadows of the past will besiege the looker and the attempted wiser on the beauty of the lessons of the past. but yet the beauty was not the lessons but the regret that the wiser has suffered and the fear that will constantly amputate him.

why does such oxymorons exists? "the beautiful death", "sinless sin"..
these are the clear contradictions of life itself. the words that has been conjoined to contradict the other to make an impact of sorts.
so..what's that for again?heh.

the hurt and the remnants of the past will never be able to make this world a better place for the wiser. For the wiser is even more careful and more cautious than he had ever been before.
being too keen to run away from the past just to know that its not gona stop daunting him.
so he continues hiding and putting up a facade in solace of his children. hoping and wishing that his traits wun be passed down to them, only to find out that it is already in them.
he continuously, tell them wat he dun like..[when those are the things that he's AFRAID of]
they try hard to understand and reap him of his wishes. only to know that it is NOT the kind of life that they want to lead. the paranoia and the eccentricty of himself affects the capabilities of his child and despite the realisation, he still continues to carry on his method of parenting.

to his despair, one of his child chose to stray..far..far..away from him.
knowing that she can prove to him that his past will remain a past in his past life.
knowing that it wun get to anyone of his children..trying to tell him that its different now.
it's better now dad- trust me.
so she suffered in silence but still determined to prove to him her capabilities and her beliefs.
he chose to completely neglect her..completely make her invisible to his eyes.
and in hope to hurt her and make her come back to him..only to find out that its not gona happen..so the wiser kept tellin his other kids NOT to be like her..for they'd suffer..

but look at the black sheep now..isnt she soaring..isnt she trying?
isnt she NOT like you? isnt she NOT a hypocrite like you? isnt she unlike you?
u are her imperious motivator and she's where she is now..
the ONE child whom u keep bragging about..
the ONE child whom u wun stop telling people about..
the ONE child whom u still choose to disdain.

the looker just keeps looking..not doin anything..despite sensing the hurt
and the wiser choose to still be right and will never mend his ways.
and the black sheep keep suffering his "hitler" treatment in silence.
and the only strength that she could hold on to is her faith.
her faith in Allah and His presence each time she 'bows in worship' to Him.
telling herself constantly that there are always others doing worst..
that He will always guide her through the waves and take her up to where she belongs..
the hurt, the torture and the torments caused by the wiser and the looker will never change the fact that he's her dad and she's her mum..

Mum..Dad..i want you to know that i love you..
and nothing can ever change that and i'll still be there when u frail and i'll still be there when u are alone in the deathbed..and i'll still be there for you even after that.
this is my promise to the both of you.
thanks for bringing me into this cruel yet beautiful world.
thanks for trying to do wat's best for me-but i noe wat's best for myself.
thanks for making me your child when u have a choice not too..
and thanks for giving me my One and Only sister too share my everything with..
i thank the Lord for the strength he's given me..and the patience he's granted me.

May God bless you all..

=

2005-12-26T05:53:00.000+08:00

stop all this mental torture please. i beg of you. just once is enuf.seriously. i get it now!
why can't u just let me be? let me be me..and i'll show u wat u wana see..i promise you.

stop hurting me please..u r my fuckin parents!!! fuck all tis shyt. ur haunting me.
my brain cells are dying..corrupted by u and ur vitriolic criticism. im hurt enough by being born into this world with people like u to get used to.

im just a girl..whose constantly curious and unaware. i like to take the chance to experience new things..just like every other human being in this world. is there anything wrong with that mum?????? what is wrong with being with my sister?! what is wrong with having friends who make me smile when u cant do that?!?! tel me wats wrong with all that and i'll try my best to compromise. u are vindictive and maimed by ur other half that u dun take the time to understand me. he made u shout at me so that he'd be in my "good book".
goodness dad ur just in a state of denial. afraid of the shadows of ur past.

what did u do last tym huh? why are u so afraid of me straying?? tell me..
fill in the blanks cuz i wana noe.NO.i already noe.and im ASHAMED of u. im disappointed in you and it will never disappear.dun weri, it wun go away.
and please dun worry-i wun wana be like you. i'll try my best not to end up like you or mum. and dun worry i wun hate you. i wasnt thought to hate. but i AM very much prone to hurt.

keep hurting me. keep asking me what is gona become of me. keep doin that. and i'l prove it to u. i SWEAR i'l prove it to u. i'll show u how much i dun need u. even if it kills me to get to that level. i'll prove it to you. this is my promise to you.

mum..i cant believe u could do this to me..hurt me like u duno me. with the werds u say..
"u've always bring me down.and i duno wat to do wit u"..-ALWAYS mum?? really?
have i not make u happy? the love that i showed and the empathy isnt enough?
the money isnt enough? the sacrifice isnt enuf?
wat is enuf then to make u happy?? tell me..please.

please dad..stop torturing me mentally..i cant help cryin every nite over tis. over you.
i cant cry no more..cuz my tears just wun roll to my cheeks..cuz its dried out by you.
please dad..just tell me what u want. dun neglect me.
perhaps, u've disowned me.wth

y am i begging for all this??!! when they dun even care about how i'd feel with every statement they made. im bruised badly.feeling more hollow, troglodytic and uncherished.

just remeber please, that NOT everything is about the dollars and cents..its not all about the shyts that u've given me. i thank you fer that anyhows.

i noe i've been through tis tons of tymes..but none of it wit mum involved.
goodness..is it really wrong to spend time with my sister? MY SISTER!!!
GOD.help me please..im lost and confused. and im stewed over by all this.

tell me to be patient-i've kept my silence and didnt retaliate.
tell me to hang in there-i've been goin through too much of this.

i cant take tis.i quit trying to be your "dream", your "only hope".
MUM.DAD.I OFFICIALLY QUIT. sorry to disappoint u further.
guess that's nothing new huh?
well..this hurt and torments that u've caused aint new either.

may God bless you.

2005-12-24T21:55:00.000+08:00

i cant imagine how bleak being in this house, this room, this place can be.

but then again, alike life.. it is a contradiction. this world can be a better place.
[as said by, Corina]

i can be hurt by all the devastations in life and bleed by all the disapointments and heartaches..
but there are still others out there who hurt deeper without wanting to be hurt..
like you..whose "racing the race" and yet, with the greatness of optimism and belief that u have..u amaze me.

u make me think of the point in not appreciating life.
this world can be too cruel..BUT living in it in a different spectrum, different light..
can actually make u love living in tis cruel place.

even people like Cher in "Clueless" are not fully contented with all the money, the body, the wardrobe, and all the attention that she get in school. she is still also lonely and discontented..so..i am not alone.
but then again, it's a movie that im relating to.wth.

the chappy and winding road that we are all on are gona end one fine day..
it may or may not be soon..but who the hell cares yet again?
your fate may be stated and ur battles with life may be daunting you..
but u have the people who care fer u [whether or not u are aware]..
n someone who loves you..
there's nothing spooky either in being the lurker or in preferring the night..the shyts during the day are just too visible for the naked eye.

this ostentious road is one that is very unpredictable and difficile..
and i decide to hop on and take the challenge.
people may bring me down and so will there be the presence of other vicissitudes..
but im gona hold on to it..telling myself- "there are others doing worst and their strong"

to corina- you are strong..and your beauty surrounds u..

2005-12-23T22:51:00.000+08:00

I HATE YOU

till when do i have to suffer living under the same roof with you?!!!!

the paradox of life

2005-12-22T00:44:00.000+08:00

BLACK is the colour of negativity,
yet it is the color that potrays sophistication
PINK; health and happiness
and yet, it is the one colour that a majority fail to appreciate

The paradox of such nature of thoughts
are the kind of mainstream views that we often make

How can something so beautiful and pure in appearance
be generalised to be something hideous with just one imperfection?

How can living be something so painful
to the one whose hurting all their life,
and
be such a breeze for someone whose found their reason to survive?

What could possibly be the reason for such detrimental paranoia in life?

WHAT IF equality really exists?
would it even be fair?

WHAT IF all of us were to be given happiness?
Would all of us still be happy eternally?

whatever we have never seem to be sufficient..
cuz the paradox of life..is living itself.

2005-12-19T22:12:00.000+08:00

one setback after the next..i've been constantly challenged by HIM, and at the point where i should b in major meltdown - i just sat in remorse.
Feeling much more lost than i had ever been.

Today, i lost my pinkrazr (which is less than a month's old) and the greatest friend that i've ever had- Erwin.

as i stepped foot into the living room..there was two things that i had in mind..
to lock myself in the room and hurt myself deeper or to go wash up and pray.
i did the latter as i realised that wat is done cant be undone.
so i hope and pray for HIS guidance..to be loved and led by HIM..

Could this just be another form of remonstrance from HIM?
however true, i believe i deserve this..for all the sins that i've committed and the people i've dissapointed..i thank God that HE only made me lose my fon..nothing else.

I am grateful enough of the gifts he's bestowed upon me so far..
as of now, every setback, every failure and every loss is a lesson learnt..
- to make me a better person..

HE's given me so many chances and still, I turned my back against HIM.
I let HIM slip by even when i know i can only seek help from HIM ..

I know now..the beauty he could give for someone
who always think of HIM and serve HIM as a loyal, sincere and faithful servant to Islam.

-blessed

2005-12-18T02:46:00.000+08:00

could tis be the end of a friendship that i thought would actually b everlasting..?
perhaps..im just hopin fer the impossible.(im good at doing that).
i thought that wen ur in somethg togthr u shud be in it all the way..i thought that's how it should've been?? wat am i thinking????
it seems like my world is crashing down on me..almost everything turn their back against me.
im lost.
things at werk was really a disaster.
being blamed fer sth that is so uncertain and yet, they overlooked the dedication that had been given to the job. the load of hardwork and commitment fer that little sum of money that they pay us.
im consumed with dissapointment and angst. im also dissapointed wit the fren i never had and im angry at myself for having to be so dumb, vulnerable and..unwanted.
i hate tis. i duno wat to feel.
today's my last day at CBTL..so, im officially jobless, alone, and lost. and all of this sum up to the word- LIFELESS.
bleah. i witnessed way too many letdowns today.
mebe ellyas' gona leave too..n my sis wil be happy wit her new-found fren..n me?

God knows.

i need someone special to share tis with..i need to have the comfort of someone tellin me that it'll be fine, someone who will hold me up just wit his comforting voice and understanding.
but no one is doing it..cuz i've apparently got no one.
like a jigsaw..im all mixed up waiting to be fixed.all im seeing is bits of myself.

assemble me..and help me reveal me.
God..send me someone who will make me whole again..
U gave me a great fren to cheer me up and wake up to the beauty of living.
and i thank u for that..but plz..dun let me be alone for i'd be depressed.

im not sure of myself.
my heart and my mind is spinning into different directions that i collapse.
i dun wana shed another tear cuz mama cried last nyte.i dun wana c her cry..and i dun wan her to c me likewise..

mama's sleepin beside me now..accompanying me..i love her.
and in this moment in time. i think loving her and my sis is all tat matters now.

-im shytlessly lonely

Elly.....

2005-12-13T00:36:00.000+08:00

Watched SAWII wit some fren of mine at cathay and chilled and then shopped @ ZARA..
[just thot i'd call him tis way to get back at him..sucker!]

Anyhows, i learnt from the movie that we should treasure our life and live as if it is our last.
Despite the Gory-ness..the message that the movie brought across was meaningful to me.. Cuz i believe that some people just dun treasure every moment and every inch of life that has been given to them. SOME people like me who always wanted to take the easy way out.

Thankfully, He brought me close to "some fren of mine" who somehow brightened my once dull life wit his simplicity, genuine sincerity and belief in Him.

I now know the meaning of life and how much i'd be missing if i were to really let it happen to me..if i were to really O/D myself and cut myself deep and bang my head real hard on the corners of the wall..

"some fren of mine" was somehow there each time..to bring me back to my senses..to remind me that i am not alone..that i have someone to rely on..i gez he's unaware of how greatful i am to have him around to bite and tease and also be comfortable and secured with.
[now u noe]

the last thing i want is to LOSE someone like him..someone who had finally woke me up from my nightmare and brought me back to wer i belong..
and the amazing beauty of it all is him not realising what he has done..
[i bet u'd be shocked upon reading tis]

i'm not sure if he's gona read tis tho..but even if he does i tink he wun tell..

ER i want you to noe that u've enlightened me with all the beauty in living and i thank you for putting up wit my shytz so far..
I also want u to know that you are special although u suck in speaking French and in "generalising" things..hehe.Remember that.

~tis is my tribute to you~
[HAha..i duno y the f*** im gettin all e-mo but heck..tis is wat i wana tell everyone]

2005-12-10T03:24:00.000+08:00

_TAKE ME AWAY_

let ur open arms surround me..

-im lonely

~

2005-12-04T06:07:00.000+08:00

Feelings are just too complicated for me to understand. Its existence is just causing me too much CoNFUSION.
why can't it just be so direct..?
if only everything is just mutual..
maybe i should just ignore watever there is..it'll cause more complication..
why would i wana jeopardise something so real?

Photograph

2005-11-29T03:33:00.000+08:00

Me and My One&Only

look at their super bored and cramped up faces..my One&Only and my "biting partner"

Ellyas' and I at Hyatt..hopin to find a nice lounge fer the 4 of us to chill..BUT nah..takin a snapshot wit aida while she's stressed..BLOODY SKII!!haha!
wit fafa at starbux..she made herself a hazelnut frap..YUM!!!!

me and my "colleagues" in the retard's term..haha

bleah-whee!

2005-11-29T02:38:00.000+08:00

home stinkz.ppl keep pickin at me and my mistakes..im wit my sister for goodnesss sake!! wtf! i cant hang out wit my sister and brother now?? im CONFUSED. wat and who do u wan me to be with?? tell me. tell me wat makes you happy and i'll do it. if provin you right is wat delights you. then fine.im gona quit school and be a dropout.and u can put the blame on me and tell everyone that u've advised me fer me shytz.without even fcukin realising that u are the cause fer your children's downfall.i thought for ONCE there..u were gona change.BUT i gez im wrong.u never will change cuz it is just you.people ard u suffer cuz of ur ego and blindness to wat reality is now. THIS IS NOT THE 1960s!!!people who hangout at cafes till the middle of the nite are not necessarily uneducated. u expect me to be a good kid and go home after school and werk?? why not u forbid me from makin frenz???? will that make u feel more at ease.oh FUCK.wait.u can also LOCK ME IN THE EFFIN ROOM and dun let me go out till i rot and DIE!!!!!!! how abt that??!! come on..i need space to breathe...away from you..wit my frens to unwind..not every conversation that we make hafta have a reason..u dun talk to ppl only if there is something important to talk abt.WAT BORING LIFE are U EXPECTING ME TO LEAD??!!! dun u dare say it's for my own good.cuz i noe wat i want in life.and im werkin towards it.u just dun fcukin noe me like my sis and bro does.u just give a shyt abt u and ur repo.
FOR ONCE>think of us and how we mite feel with every statement that u made.
cuz today.u officially bled my heart with ur words..and tho the pain will dissapear, the scar will always remain.

a letter to abg wan..

2005-11-26T13:38:00.000+08:00

so i've received a letter from abg wan..a letter that brightened me a midst the nagging that comes from dad fer reachin home late after werk..HEH.

he said "true love that lasts is truly a choice"..where u make the choice to be with that person no matter wat the circumstances are..no matter if there's some1 richer or much better lookin than him..that's a choice. cuz the point where u meet someone that u are attracted to is not a choice-its a chance..and wen u get caught up in a moment it is not a choice etither-it's a chance..

that i understand now..why i cant ever stick to one relationship that actually makes me feel complete..and loved and contented. haha..i havent made the choice to wana end up wit any of the ppl that i've dated..except for one person. who left to be wit some1 he made the choice to..who in turn dissapointed him.
-i've let go of that person..realising that we r just not meant to be..[listen to separated-Usher]
and im just gone waaiiittt...knowing that i'll meet that person one day..whoever he is.
for now..it doesnt matter..cuz im contented wit my own life..lovin it..weetz! haha.

and yeah BRO!! i can tell he truly loves his family now..lookin at the way he is..he's been msging me alot too..hahah askin me for so many things like as if im santa claus..a part from that he advises and told me that he loves me and that im he's only hope..haha

we also hang out alot..we keep so many secrets together..among the 3 of us[my sis,bro and me]..whoo! i miss havin him ard..im hopin that he'll change too abg wan..i dun wan him to disappoint me the third time ard. and i cant wait for you to come back either..than we can do all the late-night movies and cruisin down the highway stuff again..hehehe

ANYWAYS,im gona get a new hp and a new line..tis time ard im gona have two lines..one fer the ppl i dun give a fcuk abt and the other fer the one i wana keep in touch wit..cuz its a freakin line!!! hehe..but im still considerin..should i get the MotoRazr..?? or just the sony ericsson W800i? if i were to get that i'll have to wait till 15th Dec..YIKEZ!
it doesnt matter..im just gona wait..hehe..

off to work now..LATERZ BITCHES! Muackz!

"Fate brings you together, but it is still up to you to make it happen"

...

2005-11-25T01:54:00.001+08:00

bloddy hellllll!! i duno wats goin on wit me.
i skipped french class!!!TWICE IN A ROW!!!!!
fcuk it.and worst off..i duno wat the hell is BusStats and PrinciplesOfMgt..and even worst.
i wana skip later's lecture.i just dun give a fcuk no more.i just HATE the subj tis sem.stinkz!

just finished doin the resumes crap for the freakin PROJECT!! argh.dumb fuck.

i lurve chain faggin...it gets me all high and dizzy...wheeeeee...

give thanks to Allah

2005-11-22T14:10:00.000+08:00

yesterday after watchin "just like heaVen" wit ammar we sat at starbux and met aida, ellyas and ma sis..hung out and crapped to the max before watchin Harry Potter..after which i switched on Ellyas' ipod and heard the song "Give thanks to Allah"..whom he claims was sung by MJ..wth.haha..

anyways,wat moved me was that why in the f*in werld do ppl wana commit suicide or end their live so soon when there's so mANY greatness in life..we should be lucky to be alive and sheltered and to have that many people who actually give a shyt abt us.

those people ARE just eluded by their pain and sufferings that they let the chances of movin on and lookin straight ahead (knowin that there will be light at the end of the road) pass them by...why does tis hafta happen? y does it hafta happen to me?

wats the point in cutting myself and swallowin pills and hurtin myself wen the next day i still hafta wake up alone and depressed and empty. eremophobia.they'd say.the fear to be in solitude and livin alone.BUT til when do i hafta feel tis way? till wen do i hafta pun a mask that doesnt belong to me?

i wana fly free again..just like before..except that..now..im alone..
physically alone..but emotionally i noe im one..wit myself.
im gona fix myself..and be like who i was before and stop hurting myself.

im grateful to have ppl who cares and give a shyt abt me.
im lucky im still alive. *smiles*

-awakened

2005-11-06T01:50:00.000+08:00

things just cant get any worst..
im not in a festive mood and ppl keep irritating me and i keep hating werk..
i find no point in comin to werk nemore..
everytime i step into the pantry to punch in..its like a drag.

i duno wats happenin to khairul either..mebe we just cant be together..
no matter how we try to be..its just 1 fact we gota accept i gez.
we are too much of an opposite to be together.TSK.
with our diff expectations..im really just not sure at all...
we hardly have any time fer each oda too and he dun seem to even be madly missin me espesh since we have not been seein or talkin to each other fer almost a week.sad case.
i've always been the one msging him to ask him how he's doin no matter how bz or tired i am and there he is finding every possible reason not to msg me..he'll tell me that he's bz or he's tired.
F*** that.i've tried to understand..and he's askin me to understand jus fer tis week cuz its hari raya's 1st week..so he's bz wit family and werk.i duno if im bein unreasonable and i honestly duno if i shud be bothered to care at all..

cuz as far as i noe..if u really are in love wit that person..u wouldnt last a day not listenin to her voice or without knowing how she is..espesh since u noe she's sick.ugh.
i understood that he was tired so i asked him to msg me wen he's goin to werk..[which is an hour ago..] and till now..at 2am..there's still no msg and i noe i shudnt even expect a call.UGHHH!!!

tis is frustrating.and we are not even together yet..and im slowly starting to give up..
espesh wit sch startin nex week..am gona load myself wit sch werk.not gona be bothered by him or dad or any other shytz thats happenin at home.
it really stinks wen nothing's goin ur way..
STOP FUCKIN PICKIN AT ME!!!!!

FucK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

if i could run away and live alone and just be in solitude..i would.tsk.

monotonous=KHAIRUL

2005-11-06T01:40:00.000+08:00

2005-11-03T04:42:00.000+08:00

today's Hari Raya and i really cant sleep fer shytz. TSK.

went to IKEA and got some stuff fer the rooommm...well our theme colour is blue and greenn...but it turned out mostly blue..but it's kinda coooll...hehe...wit the whiteboard and the pics and yada yada..haha..credits to fana and moi fer the new look!=p
will post the pic wen i got the time..hmm..Dad's naggin wit the same ol same ol shytz that he keep repeating without realising that he's testing my freakin patience.ASSness.

haiz.i went fer a haircut last Sunday..cut quite short and permed it to make the curlz visible..and straightened the fringe..looked kinda diff..a good haircut i must say..hehe cuz ellyas thinks its nice..credits to Aida fer takin me to the salon!!hehe..but poor fafa..the curlz didnt turn out well cuz her hair is naturally straight..

oh wellzz....im not really celebratin hari raya tis yr..but i duno y im makin more preparations tis year as compared to every other year..mebe it's cuz of the cashflow..heh.

listened to the takbir at Sakura at capitol..got the "chills" fer awhile there cuz i would usually be at home wit my family..but oh wellz..im stil wit family[fana,yaya and the kiz]..i duno y..but each time i listen to it i'll get all teary-eyed fer awhile..fer the fact that alota stuff has happened..and every year marks a new beginning of another dramatic chapter or perhapz, if we are lucky..a good memorable one..i dun giv a shyt anymore wat to expect tis comin year..im just gona be optimistic somehow..

with bro comin back tis friday..i hope that he'd change somehow..
alota things are comin back.i cant sleep.gona go start baking now.
till then, Selamat Hari Raya..Maaf Zahir dan Batin..

Take care peepz!

p/s:abg wan..we are celebratin 1st day of raya at Mak Long's cuz it's her bday..
and i hope that u are doin fine there..we miss you..u take good care and dun weri abt us k?
and we dun mind abt u not bein able to giv us the card..
Slamat Hari Raya to u 2..Maaf Zahir&Batin.
Hugz&Kisses

2005-10-31T00:54:00.000+08:00

why cant you just fathom the fact that i need you? wat abt my hurt my tears and my depression? cant u tell.? wat makes u so NUMB? why does it seem that im all alone now? that u have ur frens and i dun have mine..to who can i confide in now?

please StOP makin me worry..pleasee stop hurtin urself.
please stop hurting me.
i've been hurt enuf.

shedding tears every nite have become too exhausting fer me.
my mind is slowly dying cuz i've been thinking too much.
please stop makin me feel useless in ur life.

i cant be happy if ur not happy.no matter wat i try to do.
we would usually pull throughh our problems together..wat's happened now?

i reallly need you now.
i dun want anymore sadness.not anymore.
not from you.

i cant face our parents alone.
i cant face the family alone.
i cant live tis life alone.
so please stop wanting to end your life.
cuz then, my life will be meaningless.
bcoz ur the reason y im still here..in tis family..

please..stop hurtin urself.
cuz ur hurtin me too.

2005-10-27T04:57:00.000+08:00

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red?
-You can’t erase
You can’t replace it
I miss it now
I can’t believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it
If I could relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change
Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
-nickelback

saat bahagia

2005-10-24T22:05:00.000+08:00

the time when u are at ur worst is the time wen ppl wud usually wana stay away from you... well..he chose to stand by me..despite the truth that i revealed to him..
n im greatful to have him around me..

tho sometyms..doubts will linger and we will have our share of indifference..
things usually turn out fine after we meet..and talk it out..
im startin to trust him..(sth tats hard to do)..

even so..we are total opposites of each other.
both in character and personality..the only similarity is perhaps our intrest in music and goin ludicrously stupid..haha
and sometyms..mebe in the way we think..

but he's someone im not..something tat i dun see myself bein..
someone vastly different from me..

perhaps..he's my other half..
the other part of me that is ever so different..
the other part of me that shows me both sides of the world..
that makes me understand life in a wider perspective..
that somehow..makes me complete..

cuz i've always been tis half-a-person..
and now that i'm whole..
livin a day without him..
became impossible..cuz it'll make me feel incomplete.
cuz im too used to already bein whole..

us together could prolly be complicated..cuz we wun be together till we really know each other well..but we noe that love exists between us..inspite tat, we are just takin our time..
fillin it wit lots of love and understanding..building a healthy foundation..

i wasn't sure then that i'd like to be wit you..
but for now im certain.
i tink we can make tis werk..

finally im certain of 1 thing..
tat is..to be wit you..

today

2005-10-24T05:31:00.000+08:00

sometyms there's tis sick pit in ur stomach tat realy hurts badly that it makes u cringe and worst- u dun even noe wat is the cause of all tis pain..

tat u really feel like puking it all out thinking tat somehow the feeling wud just be gone.
and even after having done that..the feelin's stil there..in fact,it got worse.
so u start tryina find every way possible to make that awful feelin dissapear..
u do things that u never thought u'd do..
coz painkillerz became a drug..and gettin sleep became impossible.

that's wat i feel now..
i feel like an insomniac..i cant sleep and i just duno wat to do wit myself.
wat can i do to mend all the broken pieces..
wat abt the lost debris..
tat perhaps contributed to the pain that i've been feelin lately..

why must happiness be temporary..
wat makes the usual sadness and depression linger?
the memories of my torments and hurt just wont go away..
being constantly reminded of it still affects me..
so many things are running through my head..
and i cant make any sense of any of it..its torturous.
but yet..nothing that i do will make tis ass-feelin dissapear.

perhaps its just me and my delusion..
perhaps i am the cause of the sick pit in my stomach..
perhaps i shudnt even give a f-.

everything at home seems fine..werk seem fine..sch is fine..

me? -im not sure.

i gez i stretched myself to thin..and im actually enjoyin it all..
every hurt and every pain..

bein in the company of my frens..colleagues..and "the tag team of 4"..
and him..somehow makes me forget tat im in pain..
-n i love it..despite dad not lettin me hangout..ima still gon'a do it..

cuz at least.i feel accompanied.

2005-10-18T01:49:00.000+08:00

I don't want to go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
Seems like everybody is breaking up
Throwing their love away
I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say (Hey)

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you
I don't want to go another

So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
See the way we ride
In our privated lives
Ain't nobody getting in between
I want you to know that you're the only one for me
And I say

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

And now
Ain't nothing else I can need
And now
I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into meI got you
We'll be making love endlessly
I'm with you

Baby, you're with me
So don't you worry about People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you and you know me
And that's all that counts
So don't you worry about People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down

I know you and you know me
And that's why I sayNobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever

Nobody's
going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby

Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you
Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

stickwitu-ThePussyCatDolls

smile!

2005-10-17T03:02:00.000+08:00

everything's been goin pwetty well lately..so yeah.. =D

the talk that i gave in TMS went well and werk was superb..
been werkin alot lately tats y i didnt have any time to blogg..ehehe

worked wit Ellyas and Aida..loadsa fun! haha..
we hung out at aida's till abt 3am the day before werk to watch white chix and crapp..
was FunNN...before that i celebrated dad's bday..and met up wit the oda beanies at geylang and den went to Singapore Post and chilled awhile..

Baby kinda got pissed cuz he thought i was talkin to some guy..hhaha and said "i love u" to him..wth. so he didnt join us to go to Aida's and went home instead..=/

BUT he realised that the guy who i was talkin to was Erwin..so he kinda got 'shamed' and met me under Aida's blk fer awhile at abt 2am..
poor him..had to walk all the way frm Elias to my area just to come see me..
hehe...Muackz! [i still rmb how u sweat..u still smell gd somehow ;)]

and then today we went out again..spent ALMOST the whole day together..
was supposed to meet at 3pm..and then watch skeleton key..but i went to dye my hair..
and not only did i look stupid..i also got to meet him only at 5pm.! tsk.
there goes our movie..and on top of that..
the gig that we were supposed to go to at esplanade got cancelled cuz of the rain..
hahha..but amazingly..
we still had fun in the end..just bein in each oda's company and each oda's frenz...
[cuz i met shi and py at citylink fer dessert at Gelare and we met his frens way before]

Gelare..provides the worst kinda service and whipped cream..yuck.
the whip is tasteless and the manager suck.
the server made a mistake by givin me 2 full ice cream instead of half of each flavors and overcharged me..so we told the manager..then she took back by EATEN-ED plate and THREW IT AWAY and gave me my order..wat a waste!! it's ur colleagues fault and u just throw good food away?? wats wrong wit just lettin me have it?! ugh.

haha..wth..it all ended well anyhowz..cuz i get to be wit him..
and meet shi and py at the same time and snapped pixies..
*smiles*

i cant belive it's u-the guy i've been lookin for.. khairul my clown..
thanks for always makin me smile baby..*hugz&kisses*

y d helll am i still uppp????

2005-10-11T03:49:00.000+08:00

it's so late into the early mornin and im still up listening to My Chemical Romance and Matchbook Romance..brainstorming on wat to say at Temasek Sec later..

i'm supposed to talk about TP..the experience and all tat shytz..
im also expected to be knowledgeable about the courses offered in Biz sch..
am doin my research now..but decided to take a break and bloggggg...

worked wit Jeremy and Izhar and Ken just now..
a freakin MAN-iac environment just now..
Amir stayed to break fast togthr..[i actually made him stay..hehe]

Shi darlin came by and brought food for us from Central..
hehe..THANKS LOADS dear..we didnt hafta eat CB food again..bleargh.
werk was nothin diff..the Same Ol Shit every time..

The guys still didnt give up tellin khairul and i to hook up..
heh.

khairul came to pick me up frm werk just now..*touched*
helped me top up my ezlink tooo...hehe
[sorry to trouble you dear]
honestly..we like each oda..
BUT we just need time k guyzzz??

i've decided on wat to do wit my hair btw..
dye it dark PurPle and then go fer treatment..hehe..whee!
Am tinking of cuttin my hair too..
BUT
That im still considering..
[im kinda sick of hilites Jaren..BUT i wana see yours!!]

watched Devil's Rejects and the 40 Year-Old Virgin about 2days ago btw..
damn funn.
haha..one kinda gory and the latter damn funny..slapstic humour i s'pose..
both was a treat...hehe..

i missed goin nutz and lame and immature...
everything's been so serious and no fun..
*boring*
mebe i shud hangout wit d gurls again..

wen can we go out huh?!!!
i miss you gurls you noe!
y'all always plan LAST minute..i need 1week notice..
i got werk...and schedule is not fixed..k??
love u ppl anyhows..MMuackz!

ok shyt..its so late and i still duno wat to say later!!
yikez! hellllpppp!!!

the songs are soo not helpin me..haha!
wth.im just gona crap tmr..
leave it to fate..[wat cherie would say]hehe..

gona go back to crappin abt TP now..

LAter ppl!
NYTE!!! muackz!

-

2005-10-07T23:33:00.000+08:00

today is like basically a bummer..haha..i've been like bummin around home the whole day..read the novel that i just bought...msged ppl the whole day and watched tv..tsk.
anyhows, we buka-ed pasta just now...damn nice! hehe..mum's plannin to eat out tmr..yeay! and im goin out on sunday too..yeay! hehe..

i've been confused abt wat to do wit my hair..
straighten it? relax it? go for treatment? or just dye it? or BOTH?
ouhhh..the trouble of bein a gurl..heh..if i was a guy..it'd be easier i suppose..tsk.
im gona go do it the comin week i suppose and baby's gona accompany me..whee!

oh yeahhh...i miss my gurls tho..it's been so long since we last hung out man..darnit!
mebe one of us shud plan an outing..hmm..but i dun wana do it..
its sucha tedious task..to accommodate to everyone..and if it didnt turn out well then the planner will be blamed..TSK.

btw, i bailed out on khairul today..
supposed to go jammin together..
but well..it's d fastin month so my daddy didnt let me..heh.
sorry baby..

anyways..here's me n khairul..
aren't we cute?? hehe...

blearrghh..

2005-10-06T18:42:00.000+08:00

worked 2 shifts last nyte..so i practically buka-ed and sahur-ed at werkkk...hehe.. it was nice tho to eat coffee bean food..weetz!

neways, i got nothing much to say..just that im plain bored and that i feel freakin lifeless now but wth..when i get my pay..everything'll change..hehehe...

okkk..so im just gona show ya the pics we took at Mak Long's house..=D

wheeetzz!!

2005-10-02T23:51:00.000+08:00

wheeelllooo!!! im finally baccckkk...hehhe
been so damn exhausted wit werk..dank..ok lemme share wit u how my schedule was like tis week kiez?

Mon-Thurs 12am-8am
Thurs afternoon..came back to werk at 4pm til 12am..
Fri-Today..8am-4pm..

How cool is tat?! i practically worked the whole week wit no OFF haha..worst off then the Managers and the full-timers and i actually am happy doin it..knowing that it'll pay off somehow..=D

But my whole body is aching rite now..wit the 4hrs sleep everyday..
tmr is my off day and im spendin it wit mum and dad..goin to see bro and then go geylang for God noes wat..and then i think goin to meet Prudy..tis gurl tat i met while werkin..haha..i actually made a fren while werkin! haha..1st tym..she was a complete stranger but i somehow managed to click wit her and we were talkin abt losin weight..hahaha..and then we exchanged numbers fer fun..

and then yeahh Ammar came by on one of the days wit his frens..it was co-incidence that i was werkin oso togethr wit Nabil and Khairul..then i found out that he noes Frankenstein[Nabil]-i called him Frankenstein cuz he sound and looks like one..haha..a funny yet scary character..y'all shud meet hiM!=D

neways, i think it was saturday noon..he saw me werkin..haha..BUT too bad that i was too busy and didnt notice him..heh.

went over to me late grannie's 100days feast yday..went late so practically everybody was gone..cuz i reached at 5pm and stayed til 8pm..mum left early too..sat and spoke to my cuz and aunts..miss them! cuz we havent met since i forgot wen..haha

one of my cuz whose older then me and im not close to asked me..wat gave me the motivation to study hard and want to be successful? cuz her son is not havin tat mindset and that she's worried...i told her it's cuz i wana have a direction in life..and be stable so that i can support my family AND then she got all religious on me somehow..yikez!
i just kept quiet and let her yabble..cuz i really just duno wat to say cuz i find it as an insult cuz it was as if she thot that im not religious at all..wth.it's wat she thinks so suit herself.heh.

then today went to Mak Long's house after werk..took LOaDSa pics but willl onli post it tmr cuz too tired to load..hehe.took pics of mummy and mak longz tooo so abg wan can see..hehe [but wait till tmr k bro?]

Spoke to Erwin just now..he was in need and i wasnt there..im sorry dear..i've been busy..i promise i'll make it up to you and we'l meet and go out and talk and just catch up k? i Miss you too..and all i wana do now is see you again after soo long..trust me k?

people is also suspecting tings btwn me and khairul cuz we are damn close..oh wth. let ppl talk k baby?? we noe ourselves better..hehe

im'a stop crappin now..it's enuf fer tonite..hehe...i'll blog again tmr..nite2~!

oh yeah it's Nabil's 21st B'day..
so..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FREAKKK!!!
-i chose tis colour cuz it looks like you--CRAP!hehe..
anyhows i hope tat ur wiser..smarter and CLEANER now..i'll pray fer you..hehe
keep sucking Edmund you ass! =P

....

2005-09-28T19:57:00.000+08:00

i've gtg to werk early today...which means morre O/T hours!
hehe..tis is so damn good man..

and yeahh..i gave my next week schedule and asked for Monday and Tuesday off
then werk all the way..i really just wana be busyyyy...
Fasting month is next weekk too..goodness..hehe..i've been waitin for this mth all year!

i was serving tis grumpy lady tis mornin and the funny thing is that
despite the 'i-am-sad-and-u-bettr-f-off' face i still managed to make her luff and smile just by smiling at her and crackin a stupid joke! haha!wat an achievement!

anyhows..there was also tis blurr chinaman who spoke to me in chinese and of coz i gave the clueless face and the hopeless Jeremy doesnt even noe that he only wants WATER!!!
lucky body language exists..if not i'd be clueless till now..haha

and since i've been werkin wit all guys tis past few midnites and Jeremy and Ted bein the common ones i managed to get alota guy's point of views on things and the funny thing was that i was moved..haha...

that perhaps yeah..im only 18 and i should stop turning guys down unless of course i really wana be a lesbian..hhaha...
somthg which is sooo out of my sane mind..
so im officially just gona start socializing again..and allow myself to meet ppl..

i also found out that i should start bein multilingual to be successful so that i can travel..
*Izhar made me realise tat*..haha
so to be good at other ppl's languages..i gota be good at mine 1st rite?
sooo..while tutorin Taz i actually started to speak to her in Malay!! ahaha...
i only dared to speak to her cuz our malay equally stink..haha..
[u gota at least start somewer rite??]

basically it has been an educational week for me at werk so far..and i had alota fun imbibe-ing everything that i've learnt..and with 2 more midnites to go and werkin wit the two 20+year old guys again..i'd be much wiser and lesser sensitive i gez..hahahaha...
cuz hell yeah we joke and crap and bullshit a hell LOT man.. =D
i love my job!

ok...i got to go now..but bfore i do..
i just wana tell kak long thanks..for trying to come back..
i may be silent but im tryin ok..just give me some time..
i love you..u noe that..Muackz!

alrite people i'll crap more wen i have the time ok??

till then have fun!! live as if today's your last...
DON'T BROOD nemore..u look OLD and ugly!

penat seh

2005-09-26T02:41:00.000+08:00

ok so werk was tiring cuz of my freakin cramp!! haha..but it's ok..1st time i took 45mins for my break..cuz i sat in the pantry..ate chilled chicken spicy pasta salad and fruit tea..and then Irfan called...haha..and then talked abt me and my sudden moodswings..all the possibilities..haha..

and then came up wit the idea that i should start dating..!!
tat's like WHoaRh!! haha..im like..NOT READY.!
but then again..its kinda cool aint it..?
but nah...im still waitin for my capricorn..hehe..
im not a star sign freak or neting like tat..but i just wana meet ONE capricorn..
so yeah..BUT irfan told me to start goin out and takin the initiative..

SO..i took ONE..and shittyly im afraid of appearin despo..
haha..WAT the HELL..it's for the sake of just makin frens neways..haha

and soo..i found out that Abg Wan can read bloggsss..so yeah..everyone at home is doin fine...no worries k?? and we all miss you!! and these are some pics of us..

i'll add moree tmr..gona snooozzzeee now...nite!!

ok

2005-09-22T20:32:00.000+08:00

sooo..i worked at T1 transit last nyte..wit Zoe and tis guy named Ridhuan..
thought it was gona be boring..but then again..it's not at all that bad..

so i managed to perk things up and actually stay awake wit only 2hours of sleep..
and found out that Ridhuan is also in TP..1st year..Mechatronics..and Zoe is from Ipoh and put on weight cuz she said she lovvveeeddd the food over at her hometown and the frequent visits to her relatives' place and her fren's relatives' place bla3....so yepz!

made two new frenz last nite..aint that nice..haha!

the customers in transit is like way way better than the customers outside...they are superbly friendly..even despite the jet lag they can still start a joke or even smile and make your day..they are definitely understanding and they don't expect neting from you..as long as their orders are done..i've never had such a breeze before taking their orders and makin their drinks..LOVE IT!

not until Farid[the barista turned manager] came wit the
'i-hate-her-and-dun-wana-haf-anything-to-do-wit-her' face..bleargh!
humiliated me as he nagged about SOP yada..yada...wen he actually sneezed LOUDLY behind the bar...(talkin about SOP from him)..haha..zilch!
oh..wth..he's lucky that i love my job and that i cant be bothered to retaliate..even if i do..it'll just waste my freakin time..cuz he's not worth the energy..he was nice till lately..i despise big-headed asses and FARID..im sorry but YOU are one of them..
i've come across a few Faridsss...and i dislike all of them..but tis one..i pity.

anyways..i agreed to work wit Zoe tonight again cuz she is short-handed..
so yepzz...werk!!! Irene is doin the PM shift again and no doubt im gona see Farid again in the mornin and tmr..im gona puch out once he's in..rest-assured! he disappointed me..like literally.

mebe that's it wit gays huh? they can be nice..but then again they can be sickeningly BITCHY.
oh wellzz...

im thinking of lookin for a second job..in sales perhaps..
gona try DFS and Cocoa Tree tmr..mebe Nuance Watson..let's see..
and im also thinking of straightening my hair..
dying it part purple and a lil blonde on the fringe..haha

at tis point of time however..i wana go find sth to do and get my comforter..
cuz i'm bored and freeezzing...haha..
the weather has been GRREAT lately..i slept the whole day..i think i overslept..yikez!

im gona go read till 10pm..then i'll go take a HOT shower and head to werk..
till i get back..!
outz!

prffftt.!!

2005-09-20T22:46:00.000+08:00

gourmet was FUNNN!!! sharie brought along the speaker so i was in the kitchen the whole night with the music blasting...nice.!!

Kak Long helped me with the cutting of the 4 slabs of bread and the cuttleries and others was done by moi..hehe..we started at 2am..so yeah..i finished at 3.40am..not bad aye? as compared to last time...then crapped alot wit sharie and listen to them[sharie and khai] bitch abt tis gurl wearin tudung but still smoke in public and goin all over her boyf while "studyin"..but she's nice to me..so wth.heh. and then complain abt werk.. and of coz..i joined in all of the conversationsss together wit my sis..haha

it's great bein a gurl isnt it? the ability to gab and bitch and complain..hmm...

o yeah! when i closed gourmet...it's actually much much fun as compared to werkin outside..especially wen u feel like bein in solitude..time pass realleee fast in the pantry..and u can just sit outside and yabble wit them after ur done..haha

mebe i wana close the next time i work midnyte again..but my forte is still in EB station..hehe i lurvee makin cappucinos..especially wen the milk i steamed is thick and smooth and the espresso shot is perfect wit the rim ard the cup formed by the aroma of the shot..whow! i only managed to achieve the perfect cup like..thrice...and one of it went to tis idiotic apek who duno how to appreciate a cup of good coffee cuz he complained sayin "TOO MUCH FOAM!!"
crap! that's like..wat cappucinos are! half miilk and half foam! oh well..haha

and yeah..i think sharie kinda got pissed cuz i keep repeating the song by NB Ridaz..and she's in no mood in gettin all emotional..whootz! sorry dearie...wun happen again k?

aida asked me to go club wit her this thurs to 'doubleO'..
im not up for it..tho i'd love to dance..but heck. i dun like the place and the atmosphere..

i think i wana bring Farhana[my second sis] out tmr..for fun..perhaps to Galilee&Friends! and then we can window shop..im thinking of gettin a dress..wat do u think? mebe i shud start dressing more like a gurl huh? haha..im workin on it..

perhaps wat Jeremy say is ryte.."ur a gurl..u must look like one."
cuz if everyone wana wear the pants..then the skirts and feminism will be niche.
and then everyone will wana be the guy...and the no. of MCPs will increase cuz the guys will wana take charge of the gurls who in turn wana be in charge as well..bla..bla..bla..
yikes!

im gona stop yabbling now..wana watch Jennifer Garner!
take care peepz!

wootz

2005-09-19T21:33:00.000+08:00

im not supposed to hate now rite??

haha..oh well..werk was fine...i gota close GOURMET tonight!!yikez!
my WORST station of all. the last time i tried closing, i only managed to end at 5.30AM!

i wonder how long i will take tis time around wit all the stock comin in..haha
it's gona beee funnnn...never had challenge in werkin before..yepz!!!

as u can tell..im havin a positive mindset now..=)

just livin life as it pass..and lovin every minute of it..
im not werkin that much now..wana rest and just stay at home and keep up wit wat i've missed..my sisters..my dad..my mum..my beautiful niece and nephew...
werk have been takin so much of time that i dun have any time spent on them..

im gona go get ready fer werk now..and yeah..

remember when i asked why must things happen for a reason??
--well i watched a movie..and it said that

sometimes..things just happen..

so thingss doesnt always happen for a reason now aye?

that's good news..hehe
take care now! i'll be blogging about closing the gourmet station tmr!!

i hate him!!

2005-09-18T18:52:00.000+08:00

i have been slackin the whole day today..put my hp on golf..
lazed around and decided to walk around..then went to Loyang Pt..thought of dying my hair..till i saw the last person i wana come across in real life..heh.
in which, she caused me to change my mind and turn back home..so yeah.
i became a potato couch instead and watched Wicker's Park and Mona Lisa's Smile and Love Actually...hmm..it's nice to actually do tis once in awhile..be in a world of fantasy..trying to put urself in the lead actress' character..imagining..aint it beautiful..everything is scripted out for you..

but then again..it'll be dull and boring aye? heh..cuz everything will be obvious and expected. bleah! wer's the fun in tat? i wonder..

anyhows, i've been wonderin..why is it so easy for me to be lied to? do i trust too easily? open up too much? or am i simply that easy to be taken advantage of? which of it is my problem??
im sick of people trying to be nice and hurt me in the long run..

what is it about me? my guts? my angst? my vulnerability? my hate?

i hate all this..im losing hope on faith and hope itself.
im sick of everything. perhaps.i should just let everything go..
and start over..no point whining about all tis bullshit nemore..it just stinks.
im not gona care as much..hope as much or even give a freakin damn.

every past i reminisce makes me sick. the word reminisce makes me puke.
i hate all of this. i hate having to be reminded of everything that we did. everything that we spoke of..every song that we sang. i hate him. i literally hate him for ruining my life.
and i hate myself for letting him do that.!
i hate the word hurt and hate.

i wana be able to love again..but my heart is broken..to pieces that it'l take a long time to mend.. i need time to trust and open up again..
in which im not sure when..but im taking my time this time..and not letting anything get in the way. i will make the right choice and be fulfilled again..not like last time..
but even better..

this is just really freakin me out cuz each tym im sure i've let go..things will just happen that will remind me of the things or the person that i've always wanted to forget..damn!

if you're reading this by chance..listen to this song..it's for you [notice me-nb ridaz]
--i noe that you know who u are..thanks for helping me realise..i need to let go.=)

out of you

2005-09-17T11:54:00.000+08:00

oh well...im bored.haha.

d past 3days have been hectic. to da max!

been werkin..and goin out..and werkin..and goin out.

so yepz..but fun tho. managed to get my mind off alota things..im actually havin fun.
havin a life..tat im damn worn out now.haha.
been doin lotsa socializing and meetin ppl..
went to MOMO's on weds nite til abt 5am in the mornin..[my first time]
and yeah..had fun..wit my sis..lyn..zee..khai and frens and aida and frens..and Irene!!
damn fun..and the experience was good but i dun tink i wana go there again.
cuz it's just not my kind of environment..i prefer chillout places..uhuh.!
d place is like too crowded makin it claustrophobic fer ppl like me..

and rite after that i had like 3hrs sleep and went out to town wit shi and py.
we watched The Cave at Cineleisure..the show seem boring at ferst but then it really got us at the edge of our seat all the way to the end. it wasn't actually bad..exceeded our expectation and it's worth our 7bux!hee..

we went to Galilee & friends..it was our first time..and i think the place is new too..cuz there wasnt much ppl dining in..when there should be cuz the place is grreat!
i like the whole modern deco and the type of ambience tat its gettin at..
and the drinks was...extremely nice and new!i had the strawberry tea freeze and shi and py had the smoothie...and there is also free flow of soup but we didnt refill cuz it was too filling.
shi and i had the pasta and py gt finding nemo[fish&chips]..the food wasnt that bad...

but the experience was good anyhows, so now i noe why they say that service is important cuz it actually overlooks everything..cuz despite the food that was jz acceptable..we still wana patronize the place..cuz the experience was splendid!

and then of course..i have werk rite after..we reached home about 9pm..
but i really slacked cuz i only had 4hours of sleep in 2days..

then the kidz came over..adam was sick..but then still active..aniq as FAT as ever and qistina..the cuteness and the beauty of her eyes..wow!
we went out at 7pm to shop..play arcade and eat..nice..the kids, yaya and i..
ppl were like thinking that i was their mother...i wonder if they were blind..
dank!

but i'd love to have kids tho..yepz! beautiful, adorable children..hmm...
despite this, i wana earn a good living 1st..i dun wana end up like any1 at home..
i want a stable family..in which i noe im gona be happy in..

fer now..lets just say..i wana take my time lookin for the rite person wit the rite education..
i wana study my ass off and be wer i belong..=)

i wana go tutor now..

it's not all that hard to let go now huh? haha..=)